Leap of Faith
by ThoughtsAreMeantToBeLetOut
Summary: Sometimes you just got to take a deep breath, swallow back all your fears, shut off all your thoughts and take that leap of faith. But it's hard when all life has ever done is show you that faith alone isn't enough
1. Chapter 1

_**Okay, I'm not totally sure where this came from. Actually, I'm absolutely not sure.  
>Fair warning, this is not a happy go lucky piece.<br>I'm actually just quite curious as what you guys think of it. Should I leave it like this or do you guys want me to make a story out of it?  
>Let me know! Reviews are love!<strong>_

_**Unfortunately neither NCIS LA or the characters Kensi & Deeks are mine. Thankfully the idea of this story is.**_

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><p><strong>Two sides of the same coin. Fear and faith.<br>- Joseph Lalonde**

There are two sides to every coin, yet it's the same coin. Whether it's heads or tails, the coin doesn't change. Fear and faith work in the same way. Fear is one side of the coin, faith is the other. The challenge is to live your life with the faith side up, leaving no room for fear.

Faith. Complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Being sure of the things we hope for and knowing something is real even if we don't always see it.  
>Faith, a word used as a synonym for hope, for trust, and for belief. But it's hard to have faith in something when all life has ever done is show you that it should be feared.<p>

Kensi Marie Blye and Marty Deeks don't do faith. The years have made them both hard, their motto 'seeing is believing' is etched into their routines. Faith, for them, is just a silly five letter word that holds no merit and bears no meaning.

"_Deeks, I just can't okay" _Kensi's eyes are cast down, unable to look at her partner when she whispers the words that'll surely break him. She waits for the sound, the sound of shattering hearts, of footsteps fading into the background, the sound of her partner walking away from her. Them. This. Whatever this is.  
>It doesn't come.<p>

Tilting her head up slightly, she regrets it the moment her eyes lock with his.  
>The silent defeat reflected in them is like a smoke screen waiting to be lifted.<br>_"So that's it?_" he all but manages to choke out _"You're just going to give up? On this? On us? On __me?__"_  
>Her brown eyes dart away from him once again and the silence tells him what he needs to know, and fears. There's no fight left in her. It's not like he can blame her, he's not sure how much more he can take himself.<p>

Love is supposed to be liberating, free, hopeful and fun. It's not supposed to swallow you whole and make you wish you where four years old again, when your biggest problem that day would be whether or not your teacher would let you use the _special _crayons.  
>Placing his hand on her arm he wills her to look at her one last time. When she eventually does, the tears that stain her face almost make him double over in regret.<br>_"It's okay, Kens" _is all he manages to say before he scoops her up in his arms, giving her one last kiss on her forehead, lingering just a little bit longer, afraid of what will happen if he releases, let go. Time ticks by with both of them unwilling to move away from each other, away from the warmth of the embrace that has given them both so much strength and comfort in the past.

"_Deeks" _she whispers quietly, tucking her head securely under his chin. His name comes out strangled, pained, as if it costs her ever ounce of strength left to utter it. He waits for her to continue, but nothing comes. When she finally steps away from him minutes later she places both hands on his face. Her eyes bore into him, and she looks as if she's copying every inch of him into her brain for future reverence. As if she knows that this is the last time he'll ever look at her this way, with pure and total admiration and love. That this is the closest they'll ever get to let the other look inside, crumbling a piece of their strongly built walls.  
>It hurts, knowing that this is how far they're ever going to come. Kensi. Deeks. No Kensi and Deeks. Just Kensi, just Deeks. It has almost always been this way with them. Never together, but almost always not apart. If you looked for Kensi, you'd find Deeks about two feet away and vice versa. It's like he once said <em>"If Kensi goes, I go. That's how we roll" <em>The underlying deeper meaning not lost on both of them. The label of a relationship never stamped, to refrain from adding pressure to their 'thing'. Both knowing that they where in a relationship without actually naming it so. But when push came to shove, and things really started to move forward between them it was Kensi who once again pulled on the breaks and told him she cared about him too much to risk what they already had.  
>Deeks had found it ironic that by not wanting to lose one thing they would end up losing so much more.<p>

_"I'm sorry" _ He hears the words, they're silent, almost inaudible but they're there. He mentally scribbles them down, tucking it away safely in the back of his mind.  
>Maybe, he's going to need to hear them a couple more times before he can be okay. Tears are streaming down her face at a rapid pace now and he tries his best to swallows back his own, not wanting to upset her even more <em>"Me too Kens, me too".<br>_He realizes he needs to push through this, for both their sakes, he needs to still be able to work with her, without the promise of something more. He needs to box up his love for her, tuck it away safely in a place where it can't be reached.

Right now, looking at this beautiful but broken creature before him, he's not sure he can. Because how do you keep working as just partners, when there's so much clarity in the love you have for each other but so much confusion in how to deal with it?

How do you let go of the one person who broke down your defenses, pushed through your walls, wormed their way not only into your heart, but deep into your soul and latched on to you with everything they got? The simple answer? You can't, and you don't.

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><p><em><strong>Yeah, told ya it wasn't a happy go lucky piece didn't I? Wanna kill me? Just wound me a little? Let me know so I can armor myself. I'll get Deek's beretta 92FS to protect me, it seems to have worked wonders for him ;-)<br>Would love to know what you think  
>Til next time!<strong>_


	2. Chapter 2

_**First of all, thank you to everyone who took the time to review and/or follow. It means a lot to me. Second, I've decided to go ahead and make this a story. I have most of the chapters mapped out and have a clear trajectory as to where I am going to take this. So, without too much author's note beforehand I present to you chapter two.  
><strong>_

_**And to clear up any and all confusion there might still be, unfortunately NCIS LA still isn't mine and neither are Kensi & Deeks, but the story is.**_

_**Enjoy**_

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><p><strong>Love is uncertain<br>It's incredibly risky  
>And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed<br>Yes, it's scary and yes, we're open to being hurt, but can you imagine your life without loving or being loved?**

**-****Brené**** Brown**

Being in love is scary  
>Being in love with your best friend is scarier<br>Being in love with someone you work with is the scariest  
>But, being in love with someone who loves you back is just scary beyond comprehension<p>

Kensi Blye had been in love with Marty Deeks for quite some time now. He got on her nerves pretty much all the time but damn him for making annoying a cute character trade.  
>They had been partners for five years and she's been denying her feelings for him for half as long. She knows they've been more than partners for over a year now and if his recent attitude towards her is any indication she knows that now would be the time to stop pretending she doesn't love him as much as she does.<br>He's been pulling and pushing against her walls for as long as she can remember and somewhere along the way she stopped putting up a fight.  
>He had secured his place in her heart and she knows she's steady in his. Her only true problem is that she doesn't want to lose what they already have. But by playing it safe, she's realizing she's on the verge of losing him anyway.<br>He's been slowly and silently pulling away from her ever since she told him she couldn't (or rather wouldn't) take a chance on them. And as much as she wants to blame him, she can't help but understand why he's doing what he's doing. Retreating back into himself, to shelter his heart for more heartbreak. She understands. She understands because that's exactly what she's been doing until he came along. Understanding doesn't make it hurt any less, and it certainly doesn't make her miss him any less either, the many hours they used to spend together outside of work now simply reduced to zero.  
>She misses the way his eyes would twinkle when she'd take him up on whatever he had planned for them that day, or the small way he would crack his special smile when she asked him to hang out with her just a little longer. Or the way he would chuckle when she'd call him on the weekends practically begging to go do something. She wonders how you can miss someone who's still here. He's still in her life, still covers her back like no other partner ever could, still listens to her stories and still tries to smile at her ever so often (She certainly doesn't miss the way his smile never reaches his eyes anymore)<br>But that's it, at the end of the day they both go their separate ways.  
>She really misses him, all of him. Her (almost) lover, her confidant, her best friend, her partner in crime, her Deeks.<p>

"_What's wrong?" _a silent voice pulls Kensi out of her thoughts.

She blinks a couple times to clear her head, looking up towards the voice _"Huh?"_

"Did you two break up?"

Nell asks, the worry and sympathy shining in her eyes.

Kensi raises her eyebrows _"Who? Deeks and I?" _She briefly wonders if maybe Nell overheard her talking to herself but quickly realizes she doesn't do that. Kensi isn't known for her talking skills (well, not the kind that matter in this situation anyway) so she knows she would've never voiced her thoughts out loud for anyone to hear.

Nell looks at her questioningly_ "No, Brad and Angelina. Yes, you two" _she counters. She knows the telltale sign of her friend in distress and it certainly didn't look like Kensi was having pleasant thoughts just now, sighing ever so often and wringing her hands together like she does when she's really nervous about something.  
><em><br>_Kensi let out a soft chuckle _"Deeks and I where never together" _she tries to put the irony in her statement but her voice is wistful.  
><em><br>"Oh Please, you've been together ever since you two locked eyes" _Nell replies. Knowing as well as anyone else that there has been a lot going on between the partners for a long time now.

Kensi feels anger bubble up inside her. She doesn't want to be here, she doesn't want to talk about this, she doesn't want to think about this right now _"No. We weren't, aren't nor have we __ever __been together" _ She spits angrily, quoting the 'together' part with her fingers.

Nell doesn't seem the least bit faced by Kensi's angry outburst. She figures that if she presses on she might just get to the bottom of what's bothering her friend so much _"There's something different though"_

_"No, there's not" _Kensi breathes out, silently pleading to drop the subject.

Nell's about to ask something else when a familiar voice interrupts her.  
>"<em>Night Velma" <em>Deeks says, smiling at her. _"Night, Kensi. See you Monday" _Before Kensi has a chance to reply Deeks is already moving away from them.  
>"<em>See" <em>Nell points towards the retreating figure in the distance. There's absolutely something going on there, and she doesn't like it.  
><em>"What is there to see?" <em>Kensi asks, getting more agitated by the minute

Nell sighs, grabbing both of Kensi's hands forcing her to make eye contact _"When was the last time you two left work __separately__ and __didn't __spend the weekend together?"  
><em>  
>This was cutting way to close to Kensi's open wound and her face betrayed how much it affected her, yet she tried to downplay it <em>"We spend wee-"<em>

Nell didn't even let her finish, seeing right through her little charade_ "Kensi, come on, I'm your friend, spill" _she said a little forcefully, tired of this whole closed of Kensi business. She was supposed to be her friend, if not one of her best friends and she wasn't getting anything out of her. It bothered her more than she'd care to admit.  
><em><br>"It's nothing Nell, drop it" _Kensi growled. The venom in her voice made Nell tremble. Kensi wasn't one to fall out like that so she must have hit a sore spot. Figuring that it was best to give up defeat (for now) she walks away slowly, shaking her head. Sometimes she wished Kensi's wasn't still so stubborn and closed of when it came to matters of the heart.

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><p>Deeks was laying on the couch absentmindedly playing with the remote control when he heard a faint knock on his door. He glanced towards the clock and wondered who'd be foolish enough to come to his house at 11 P.M on a Friday night.<br>Most of his friends knew that after a grueling week at work he wouldn't be in the mood for anything other than sipping a beer on his couch, watching whatever he could find on TV that didn't require much thinking.  
>The only person who it could've been in the past, was Kensi. But, he had made it quite clear that if she wanted him to keep being her partner they had to take a step back and not hang out for a while.<br>As much as it had hurt him to say it, it hadn't hurt nearly as much as watching her broken expression when he said his goodbye's earlier at OSP. He felt like he couldn't get out of there fast enough, and not just because it seemed like she was in a rather emotional conversation with Nell. He knew that if he stayed and watched her for just a second longer, his resolve would crumble, he'd take her into his arms and tried to cheer her up with dinner and a movie. But, he couldn't do that anymore, not if he still wanted to be able to work with her and not have it permanently damage him and his battered heart.

He shook his head when the second knock, a little louder, brought him back from his thoughts. Taking just a minute longer to figure out if he shouldn't open the door at all, knowing that it could only be one person, he decided against it, not wanting to get an earful on Monday as to why he let her stand outside in the cold.

Opening the door he was greeted by the one person he knew it would be _"Kensi, what are you doing here?" _he asked, trying to steady his voice. He knew it would be her behind the door, but seeing her standing there, hands in her pockets, cute little had on, he had to swallow back the urge to hug her and urge her inside.

_"We need to talk" _ Her face displayed determination but her voice trembled. He wondered if it was because of the cold or nerves. He figured it was probably a little bit of both.

He knew that it wasn't nice of him to let her stand outside in the cold and the image tuck on his heartstrings but his head was winning over his heart this time _"I'm all talked out. Nothing left to say. Nothing that hasn't been said anyway"_ he made a move to close the door, when she shoved her foot in between the frame and the door

_"Please, Deeks" _she pleaded, fixing her eyes on him. Hoping against all hope that he'd give her a chance to explain why she'd came. She could see the doubt and uncertainty swirl in his eyes. After a minute of complete silence, he decides to give her the benefit of the doubt, opening the door a little further signaling her to come in.

Kensi looks around the living room, doubt creeping in when she settles on the couch, legs securely tucked under her. She feels the couch dip and lets out a sigh when she sees Monty snuggling against her side.  
><em><br>_It's a sight for sore eyes, and it hurts his heart knowing that she's still so comfortable being in his home. He wished he could do the same but his heart is racing and his head is in overdrive, he needs something to calm his nerves, to ease his racing heart _"Want a beer? I'm going to get a beer. I think I need a beer" _he rambles, walking towards the kitchen, but before he can get two steps away from her he hears her quiet plea_ "Deeks, sit down. I just want to talk to you" _

He decides to ignore her request, desperately needing to get away from the tension that surrounds them _"Talking requires hydration. Beer is hydration. Beer it is" _

Shaking her head she watches him practically sprint towards the kitchen. A minute later he comes back with two beers. He puts one in front of her , eyeing the couch wearily. He knows that even though with Monty snuggled against her side there's still enough room on the couch but he opts for the coffee table. Feeling his back twitch two seconds later he abruptly stands and settles down on the seat on the far end of the room. A silent chuckle escapes him, for someone who has lived in this house for years he seems ill at ease.

"_Deeks, relax"_ she pleads _"Please" _she swallows, feeling her own nerves flair up.

_"I'm not sure what you expect from me here, Kensi" _

Kensi sighs, he's been using her full name ever since their first talk and it shows her how emotionally detached he's trying to make himself _"Deeks"_

_"Just say what you came here to say, Kensi" _

There it is again, the use of her full name. No Kenselina, no Fern, no Kens, and it hurts her more than she might be willing to admit.  
><em>"Can you just <em>_try __to relax Deeks. Please" _She says again, trying and failing to keep her own nerves from showing. She looks at her hands, woven together tightly, a nervous habit she's picked up over the years. She tries to focus her eyes on him but she can tell he's been looking at her hands as well

_"I don't think that's such a good idea"_ she suddenly hears "_I've been too relaxed around you for too long. I let myself get too close for comfort" _His eyes meet hers, and she see the hurt shining through _"I got burned" _he whispers the last part, but she catches it none the less. And, even though she realizes he's right, it doesn't make the words sting any less _"I don't know how to move on from this" _he continues _"Every day with you, but not _**_really _**_be with you is another day a piece of my heart crumbles"_

Kensi looks at the man she considers to be her everything, although she might not be able to say that out loud yet, she needs him to know this is hurting her just as much as it is him_  
>"This is not easy for me either, Deeks" <em>she lets out tentatively.

Deeks shakes his head_ "It's not about easy anymore Kensi. It's about how to get through this slightly battered but relatively emotionally unscathed"_

Knowing that this is where thing start to get really tricky, she swallows and pushes out the words that have been eating away at her ever since her talk with Nell_ "I don't think that's possible" _

"_And that's the root of the issue right there" _Deeks swallows. He's trying really hard to look anywhere but at the beautiful woman in front of him. He knows that if he keeps looking at her just a little longer, he's going to say or do something they'll probably both regret not long after.

Kensi silently takes a sip of her beer before asking the question she's been dreading to ask ever since they got into this situation_ "So, now what?"_

Deeks doesn't miss a beat when he forces the next words out of his mouth fast _"I could resign, go back to LAPD"_

Her reply is steady and resolute _"That's not an option worth considering and you know it" _she says, silently praying that it isn't something he's really considered with all of this going on.  
><em><br>"It isn't?" _he asks timidly, wondering why he's so keen to hear her answer.

Kensi swallows hard _"I can't imagine my life without you in it. I don't remember life without you and I seriously don't want to find out" _she answers.

Her eyes are trained on him and he has to give her credit for opening up to him. He knows he owes her the same _"I don't want to lose you from my life either"  
><em>  
>Kensi visibly relaxes after his last words but he can see the tears pricking behind her eyes, knowing it takes everything in her power to hold them back <em>"So?" <em>she asks silently _"Now what?"_

Deeks seems to be thinking about that for a minute before coming up with an answer "_I think there's only one option left" _he finally says.

Kensi raises her eyebrows _"Which is?" _She tries to steady herself, unclasping her hands.

_"I'll try to stop loving you" _

It's quiet for a long time before she finally speaks _"I don't want you to try" _the words come out so quietly that he has to strain to hear her.

_"It's not a switch I can turn on and off, Kens" _he whispers brokenly. His own resolve crumbling by the minute. He doesn't really understand what she expects from him, why she's making this so hard on both of them.

Kensi gives him a tentative smile upon hearing her nickname _"That's not what I meant Deeks" _placing a hand under his chin she pushes him to look at her _"I need you to keep loving me" _there, she said it.

Her words don't register with him immediately, he's still trying to figure out how he didn't see her coming towards him, trying to come to grips with their sudden close proximity. When the words finally do register, he manages to crack out a strangled _"Why?" _

_"Because I need to keep loving you"_

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><p><strong><em>Ooooooh, I just LOVE cliffhangers, don't you? *evil laugh* Anyway.. Let me know what you think okay?<br>Reviews are what makes the sun shine and the world bright and it makes writing a lot more fun (so more chance for faster updates)  
><em>**

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><p><strong><em>Just a little extra AN:_**

_**Now that I've made the decision to make this into a real story I'll try to update every Sunday. BUT I will have to say that I'm on the verge of moving. I will be at family for about two weeks because the house isn't ready yet and I have to get out of the old one.**_  
><em><strong>I'm planning on moving the weekend of the 10th but I'll have internet around the 12th.<strong>_  
><em><strong>That being said, I'll TRY to write and update anyway while being at my family BUT I can't promise anything, I just want you guys to keep that in mind while waiting for the next update.<strong>_


	3. Chapter 3

**_Yes, I know it's not Sunday yet but I found a little time to write & didn't know when the next time I could update would be._**

**_Thanks to all the reviews, favorites & follows, it means the world to me. _**

**_To the one person who reviewed that the bold and italic letters distracted her from the story I just want to say that I understand where you are coming from and I won't be using bold letters_****_ anymore but I'm keeping the italics because it illustrates what's been said and I personally think it makes it easier to read. But, to each it's own, so I'm sorry if it bothers you._**

**_Just in case anyone forgot, neither NCIS LA nor Kensi & Deeks are mine. The story is._**

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><p><em>Kensi gives him a tentative smile upon hearing her nickname "That's not what I meant Deeks" placing a hand under his chin she pushes him to look at her "I need you to keep loving me" there, she said it. <em>

_Her words don't register with him immediately, he's still trying to figure out how he didn't see her coming towards him, trying to come to grips with her close proximity. When the words finally do register, he manages to crack out a strangled "Why?" _

"_Because I need to keep loving you" _

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><p><strong>If you take a chance you may win and be happy,<br>or lose and be wise  
>If you don't, nothing changes<br>- David Muecke**

_"I need to keep loving you, Deeks" _Kensi repeats clearly, looking straight at him.

_"What does that mean?" _Deeks breathes, casting his eyes upwards, looking at Kensi.

If she didn't know any better she would have sworn there was a flicker of anger in his eyes. Becoming visibly frustrated Kensi takes a deep breath _"You know what it means"_

He knows this is the time to push, to not let her shut down on him again. Even if it means they fight. He's not going to back down that easy, not this time. _  
><em>It had taken a lot out of him to come to terms with her rejection but he was managing. Now here she was, pretty as always, looking at him with her emotion filled eyes, telling him in not so many words that she'd changed her mind _"Do I?"_

_"Deeks" _Kensi says exasperated. She should have known he wasn't going to make it easy for her. She knew she had hurt him and he had been trying everything in his power to move on from their thing, from them. They both knew it wasn't that simple. It had taken a lot out of both of them, to try and move on.

Looking straight into her eyes, he sees the emotion swirling around and the only thing he can think about is how this is it. The yes or no, the do or don't, their breaking point _"Kensi, I don't want cryptic clues as to what you are trying to tell me. If you can't just come out and say it, how am I supposed to know you really mean it?"_

It's not that she doesn't agree with him, she does. And, the words are on the tip of her tongue but she can't seem to get them out _"Deeks, I -" _

Deeks rises from his seat _"Forget it Kens"_

She follows him with her eyes, and her breath hitches when she sees him walking towards the door. She can feel her panic rising, he's going to kick her out _"No, Deeks. I need you to know what I mean"_

Turning around he stalks towards her, determination in his step "_Then **say **it, woman"_

Kensi takes a deep breath, walking towards him she places both her hands in his _"Deeks, I lo-" _she starts, but the moment her eyes lock with his the rest of the words get stuck in her throat.  
>His gaze is so intense and it scares her beyond believe how much love this man has for her.<br>Love, for the woman who is broken beyond repair, with scars deeper than the deepest ocean. Love, for the woman who doesn't know how to open up, to trust completely, to love unconditionally. If she tells him how she feels about him now, there's no going back. She'll have to open herself up, let him in, make herself vulnerable, give away a piece of her control and she doesn't know how to do that.

_"I think you should go" _She anticipates the words before she actually hears them, and it's a double punch in the gut.  
>Knowing that he's giving her an out, again, she knows that this really is it. If she doesn't tell him now, she's never going to and things are truly going to be over before they began.<p>

Willing herself to look at him one last time, she takes every ounce of determination she has, looks straight into his eyes, and states without hessitation _"I love you, Deeks" _

_"Now that wasn't that hard was it?"_ Deek says, trying to lighten the mood.

Kensi gives him a tentative smile and inches closer to him _"Shut up and say it back" _

His eyes shine bright and he can't help but laugh at the beautiful woman in front of him _"I love you, Kenselina. I really really love you" _

Those words somehow break the last of her resolve _"I'm truly, madly, deeply, head over heals, never going to recover, in love with you, Deeks" _

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><p>After finally laying everything out on the table, realizing they're completely on the same page this time, it takes about all of two seconds for things to go back to normal.<p>

They bicker and flirt like before and they both agree to put all of their effort into making their partnership work, profesionally and personally. They both realize that this is it and neither of them wants to screw it up.

The entire team dynamic changes now that they officially acknowledge there is a thing worth considering. Callen and Sam don't tease them about it anymore because they know how big of a deal it actually is for them to finally stop hiding behind the jabs and innuendo. Nell just squeals from delight and Eric just wistfully looks from Nell to Kensi and Deeks, hoping that one day soon he'll fight up the courage to do what they a chance.

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><p>Although they originally decided to take things slow it takes Deeks about two words and Kensi about all of one week to pack up her stuff and move in. A very small part of her wonders if she's moving into his apartment to make it harder for him to actually walk out on her, but the part of her brain that thinks rationally knows that Deeks would never willingly walk out on her and his place was just a tad bit bigger and relatively closer to work.<p>

_"Kens, you okay?"_ Deeks asks, wrapping his arms around her from behind. She relaxes into his touch and hums contently _"What's on your mind Kens?"_

_"Noth-"_

He cuts her off _"Don't say nothing. I know you better than that"_

Kensi can't help but smile, loving the fact that he indeed knows her, that he's actually the only one who really truly does. But she wonders if she should share this with him, she feels stupid for even thinking it _"It's no big deal" _

_"Let me be the judge of that" _Deeks says, turning Kensi around.

Somehow she feels that she owes it to him to tell what's on her mind. Isn't that what relationships are all about? Isn't that what it means to open up? _"It's just that I wondered if a part of me moved in with you to make it harder for you to walk out on me" _she stops, looking for any signs of frustration but the only thing she sees shining back at her is complete understanding, so she continues _"I know it's unreasonable. You're not Jack. I know you love me and would never just walk out. There's just a part that thinks that you wouldn't leave your home as easily as you would mine"_

_ "I wouldn't leave you even if we lived in a tent on the arctic" _Deeks says. He knows that this is a realistic fear she has developed in life because of all of the people who left her but he wants her to know he's not one of those people.

_"I__ wouldn't blame you if you did. The arctic is cold" _Kensi counters smiling

Deeks laughs, "Life_ without you would be colder" _giving a tiny kiss on her nose, he continues _"Kidding aside Kens, I don't ever want you to doubt my love and devotion to you. I will never leave you like Jack did"_

_ "I know" _Kensi answers without hesitation "_Just promise me one thing" _

Deeks nods _"Name it" _

_"Promise me we'll always try to talk things out" _

It's quiet for a little while and Kensi briefly wonders if he didn't hear her "_We're not good at that. You know. Talking" _he finally says, uncertainty clouding his voice

_"Deeks" _Kensi warns, knowing he's only partly kidding.

Giving a weary smile, Deeks put a hand on his chest _"Kidding Kens. I dashing Marty Deeks solemnly swear to always try to talk things out with kick ass Kenselina Blye" _he states

"You're_ such a child" _Kensi chuckles

_ "Oh hush Fern, you love me for it" _

Kensi smacks him lightly on his shoulder before giving him a firm kiss _"That I do shaggie, That I do"_

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><p><strong><em>AN: _****_Don't exactly know how I did it but I managed to put another chapter up for you guys through all of the hassle of moving. Please excuse any mistakes made because I'm on a foreign computer that doesn't recognize all of the words. _**

**_Anyway, don't forget to let me know what you think of this chapter and/or maybe even speculate on what you think will (our would like to see) happen next._**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Hello dearest readers, thanks for tuning in for a new chapter of Leap of Faith. I'm actually quite proud of this chapter although I must admit that there might be some slight triggering stuff in it for some people, so I apologize for that beforehand.**_

_**Just to be sure I'll remind you guys of a couple things before the chapter starts  
>1) NCIS LA still isn't mine &amp; neither are Kensi and Deeks<br>2) This story ISN'T a happy go lucky Densi story. Yes it's Kensi & Deeks together. Yes it's romantic Densi but it's NOT all happy and romantic all the time  
>3) English isn't my native tongue so any errors are mine and can hopefully be forgiven<strong>_

_**Okay enough babble beforehand, let's get into it.  
><strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>Jealousy in romance is like salt in food.<strong>

**A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.**

**Maya Angelou**

The entire week had been pretty good as far as Kensi was concerned. Finally labeling her relationship with Deeks had brought back her good mood. They had even managed to be completely honest with Hetty and where surprised when the woman gave them their blessing, albeit reluctantly. Hetty had told them that it was their life and they needed to figure out how to live it together, if that's what they wanted, without any interference in team dynamic.  
>As wonderful as the past week had been Kensi should have known it wouldn't last.<p>

Their latest case had put a damper on their blissful week. Deeks had never been the overly jealous type and Kensi never expected her chosen actions to affect him as much as it did.  
>But here she was, in the middle of their living room, trying to calm down her partner and lover.<p>

_"It was a cover kiss, Deeks" _she says firm but kindly, trying to keep the accusing tone from her voice. She wants to forget about today, take a nice hot shower to wash away the day and the lengths she had to go to get the information they needed.

Apparently Deeks doesn't get the message. _"Oh so you shoving your tongue down his throat and groping his ass didn't give you any pleasure at all?" _he says angrily.

_"Deeks" _Kensi warns. She had done what needed to be done and it had worked. There was no need to fight about it.

Deeks snorts sarcastically. If she thinks he's going to let this one go she's dead wrong  
><em>"Excuse me for not being happy about the way my girlfriend handled it. Even Callen and Sam agreed it was a bit extreme" <em>

_"You talked to Sam and Callen about this before you talked to me?" _ She asks, surprise edged in her tone.  
>She's a little hurt to be honest; she'd expected them to figure things out together. And she never would have pegged Deeks for talking about her with the boys, not without her knowledge anyway.<p>

"_It's called a debrief Kensi"_ He tries to explain. It's not that he talked about everything that happened during the case but he just wanted to know what Callen and Sam thought about her approach. The three of them had become a lot closer over the years and he considers them not only teammates but also his friends. And friends talk about things like this.

_"Keep telling yourself that" _She spits out. Her blood is boiling. She's not completely sure where this burst of anger is coming from but she's suddenly feeling extremely hurt and agitated.

_"Just like you tell yourself you needed to act like a slut to get the suspect to talk?" _Deeks counters. And before they both realize what happens he feels a hand slam hard across his face.  
>He hears her gasp. Realizing what she just did she feels the tears pricking behind her eyelids and she sees a look of total and utter shock on his face that most likely mirrors hers<br>Feeling his cheek burning Deeks instinctively puts his hand over the place where hers collided with his face. He can see a million different emotions running across her face  
><em>"I" <em>Kensi starts, trying to will the words out. Somehow nothing comes.

Deeks tries to takes a step forward but she cowards back forcefully

"_I have to go" _she whispers, hurriedly grabbing her purse from the table and running out the door leaving Deeks standing in the living room wondering what the hell just happened.

* * *

><p>He tries to stay up for her as long as he can but when the clock shows 3 AM he reluctantly drags himself to bed, realizing he needs to be at work in a couple hours. He quickly wonders how he's going to be able to work properly if he doesn't know where she is but he pushes that thought from his mind just as quickly as it came. He'll see her tomorrow, they'll talk before work. They have to.<p>

The next morning there's still no sign of Kensi though and his initial shock has morphed into anger. The drive into OPS is one with loud blasting music, swerving through the traffic dangerously, checking his phone every two seconds. The device stays eerily quiet though, like it had done the past twelve hours. No call, no text, no app, nothing. If he didn't know any better she could have been lying dead in a ditch somewhere, and they never would get the chance to talk this out. He suppresses that thought quickly; he knows that Kensi's a kick ass, independent, strong woman who has no problem taking care of herself. Ever.

Parking his car in his regular spot he takes a couple deep breaths, calming himself down.  
>The walk to the bullpen seems longer than normal, he wonders if that's maybe because he's not really ready to see her. But the moment he sees her sitting at her desk, absentmindedly typing away on her computer, he feels the relief wash over him. She's here, she's safe, she's okay. His original thought is to stalk up to her and giving her a piece of his mind but he knows he can't do that here. And, since she's the one who did all the walking away last night he figures she needs to be the one to come back to him.<p>

He quickly looks around to see if there's any sign of their other two team members. He concludes they aren't in close proximity. He's thankful for that because he's pretty sure the there's no way they wouldn't notice the tension.  
>Plopping himself down behind his desk, he takes a couple deep breaths and opens up his laptop. Minutes seems to tick by ever so slowly without neither of them making any effort to talk.<br>From the corner of his eyes he can see her sneaking a peek at him every two seconds and it's starting to get on his nerves.  
>Just when he's about to say something he hears something coming from the other end of the room <em>"I'm sorry" <em>she says timidly.

Deeks head snaps up and he looks at her questioningly _"What did you say?" _

_"I'm sorry" _she repeats more steadily, trying to lock their eyes together. She seems ill at ease, and he can't blame her. It's a foreign concept to both of them, Kensi Blye, being shy and unbalanced.

Deeks stalks towards her with determination _"Come with me" _he states. If she thinks that saying sorry is going to fix everything, she doesn't know him as well as she might think she does.

Apparently Kensi does know better because she follows him without any protest. He guides them to a secluded room and the door isn't fully closed behind her before he turns back to her  
><em>"What the <em>_**hell **__was that Kensi?" _ His voice shakes, anger prominent.

She looks at him bewildered, not having anticipated the direct approach _"I'm sorry" _she says again, not knowing what else to say.

Deeks shakes his head, walking towards a window, putting some distance between them.  
>As much as he wants to stay calm, his body doesn't get the memo.<br>_"We had a deal Kensi. A fuck-ing deal. But apparently that deal only applies to me and not you" _he screams at her, body shaking from anger.

Kensi's head snaps up _"Wha-t? " _she hates how unsteady she sounds so she swallows, takes a couple breaths and tries again _"What do you mean?" _

_"I seriously don't know what happened last night and I'm sorry I said what I said. I probably deserved that punch Kens, but that's not the problem" _Deeks fixes his eyes on her, looking for any signs of understanding. He sees her trying to process the words, and when he gets nothing from her in return he takes a deep breath _"You walked away" _he croaks out.

Looking in his eyes she sees the pain reflecting in his blue orbs. Realization dawns on her. He's not upset about the punch. He's upset that she walked away from him  
><em>"I needed time and space" <em>she admits quietly.

_"Then go walk Monty. Kick me to the couch and retreat to the bedroom but __**don't **__do what you made me promise never to do to you" _he chokes out, his anger morphing into sadness, reliving all the pain he felt last night. It had hurt him more than he ever thought was possible. _"The slap hurt Kens, but not nearly as much as you walking out on me"_

Kensi swallows hard, understanding the pain she cost him. And as much as she wants to defend herself she knows she can't. She had made him promise to always talk about things and the first thing she did was walk away _"I'm sorry Deeks, I'm so sorry" _she says quietly. Losing the last of her resolve she breaks down crying. Saying sorry isn't enough, she knows that, but she also knows there isn't anything else she can say that can excuse or forgive what she did, and she's not sure she deserves it either.

It's quiet for a long time. Kensi's quiet sobs the only sound in the room. Deeks had wanted to take her in his arms the moment she started crying but a big part of him was still mad and wanted her to feel some of the pain he had felt last night. Eventually he can't take seeing her in this much distress anymore, so he takes a couple steps towards her  
><em>"Promise me you won't do it again" <em>  
>Kensi's red rimmed eyes search his <em>"Huh?" <em>she asks, not having heard him.  
><em>"Just promise me you won't do it again Kens, and we'll forget about it" <em>Deeks elaborates. He knows that it's probably not going to be as easy as he makes it sound. This will probably linger for a little bit longer but he really doesn't want to dwell on it too much right now.

"_Won't do what?" _ Kensi asks. It's not that she doesn't know what he means, but she needs to hear it.

_"Slap me or walk away" _Deeks answers timidly _"Preferably both, but I'll settle for the latter since I know you have a knack for punching" _he says, trying to lighten the mood. He opens his arms and Kensi manages a small chuckle nuzzling herself into his embrace _"This is hard" _she admits quietly.

Deeks drops a kiss on her forehead_ "Everything worthwhile is hard work" _he explains _"We just need to learn together, Kensi. You and me" _

"_Aren't you philosophical all of a sudden" _Kensi says, adapting to the lighter mood

_"It's you and me, Kens. Long haul, remember?" _he reminded her, ignoring her little jab. He needs her to remember they're in this together, until the end.

_"Long haul" _she repeats. Smiling, she remembers the words spoken between them months ago.

_"Long haul" _he echo's, dropping another kiss on the top of her head.

Kensi feels herself relaxing a little. Tilting her head, she peppers his cheek with kisses _"I'm truly sorry Deeks"_ she says a final time.

Deeks puts his hands on either side of her face _"It's okay" _he says, surprised by the sincerity in his voice. It really is.  
><em>"Kensi Blye, you still pack a mean punch" <em>he says.  
>That actually gets a real snort out of her. A small chuckle escapes his throat and she feels the tension ooze out of his body. Thinking back on how badly this day had started, she shutters one last time, willing herself to relax.<p>

* * *

><p>That evening they eat dinner in front of the TV, with her nuzzled in between his legs, completely and utterly relaxed. They'd both seem to have settled into their usual routine, forgotten everything that happened over the past twenty four hours. That is until the man on the screen slaps his wife hard across the face.<br>Deeks feels her tense up before she even utters his name  
><em>"Kensi" <em>he tries, but she seems to be frozen in her position _"I told you it was okay. Please don't beat yourself up over it" _he says, trying to calm her down. He can feel her whole body tense against him further, shuttering once again _"Okay, poor choice of words, but seriously Kensi. Look at me" _  
>She can't seem to move. She wants to talk, wants to turn her head and look at him, but she can't. She's too scared, still too shocked by her own actions.<br>_"Look at me please" _he pleads. Deeks knows that if they don't resolve this now it's going to linger even longer than they want it to and as far as he's concerned it's done. No need to dwell.

Kensi suddenly stands, curling herself into a ball on the opposite end of the couch. Images of her slap playing on a loop in her head. Deeks tries to slide towards her but she looks at him with scared eyes  
><em>"Kensi please" <em>he says, opening his arms, silently pleading to curl into him. Her eyes are scared, questioning, but after a couple more minutes she's convinced there's only sincerity reflecting in his so she takes all of her courage, crawls towards him and lunges herself into his arms.  
>He feels the sobs before he hears them and he does the only thing he knows to do. He tries to comfort her, not with words, but with his actions. His grip tightens around her and his one arm brushes over her long locks and the other keeps rubbing her back steadily.<br>They stay like that for a long time until she rolls herself over and curls herself into his side. The sight before him breaks his heart, his kick ass Kensi doesn't look so kick ass now with swollen eyes and tear streaks on her face. He waits for her to talk

"_I'm sor-"  
><em>he kisses her hard before she even gets to finish _"If I hear you're sorry one more time you're sleeping on the left side of the bed for a month" _he jokes, trying to light the mood.  
>Kensi gives him a small smile <em>"I really am though" <em>she sighs, looking straight into his eyes. She knows she's said sorry about a million times but she figures she'll need to say it another million before she feels she can be forgiven.  
><em><br>"I know"_ Deeks takes her hands and curls their fingers together. He kisses her hair before continuing_ "You know what, just promise next time you get the urge to slap, punch or kick something or more specifically that something being me, try hitting anything __**other **__than the pretty face will ya?"_

It's typical Deeks to try and make a joke out of a serious situation but she doesn't feels he deserves it this time _"Deeks"_ she says timidly

He knows she's feeling extremely guilty and he's done with it _"Kens, come on. It happened, you're sorry. End of story" _Taking their joined hands he raises them to his mouth and drops a kiss to them.

_"I really don't know what came over me" _she says, moving to get up.

Deeks grabbed her arm before she can pull away from him further _"You're an 'action' girl Kens. You do first, think later. I've gotten used to the bruises over the years"_

Kensi glared at him. _"Bruises?" _she asked.

_"Yeah, you seriously don't punch like a girl you know. My skin isn't used to getting 'roughed up' like that. It's delicate" _Deeks explained smiling.

Kensi stilled for a moment, trying to decide if she'd be able to get away with her next pun  
><em>"I'll try to keep that in mind next time" <em>she said, deciding to go for it.

_"Next time?"_

Kensi swallowed hard seeing the shock on his face _"Too soon?" _she asked

Deeks smiled, squeezing her hand_ "Just didn't see that one coming"_

_"Good" _she said, nestling herself back into his side.

Deeks suddenly feels himself become quite sleepy. With Kensi absentmindedly flipping through the TV channels he lets himself succumb to the drowsiness.

Kensi stared at the blank screen for a while, trying to put her thoughts back in order before she spoke. Pressed against his heart she could hear his steady heartbeat _"Deeks?" _she asked after a moment.

"_Yes?"_ he answered. His voice full of sleep.

_"We're good?" _Kensi asked timidly. She didn't want to become annoying but she needed to know they'd moved on from this.

Deeks pressed a strand of hair behind her ear and smiled at her _"We've never 'not' been good" _he told her softly, placing a kiss on her cheek lightly

_"Deeks" _Kensi sighed_ "You know what I mean"_ she said, melting into his touch.

Deeks trailed his lips back to her ear _"Yes Kens, we're good" _he whispered.

_"Promise?" _she managed to crack out, trying her hardest to stay cool

"_Promise" _Deeks echoed

_"Now there's just one thing left we need to do" _Kensi says, locking their eyes together.

"_And that is?" _Deeks asks cheekily, having a pretty good idea what she meant

"_Now" sh_e whispers, letting her breath tickle his ear _"Now I'm going to take my time to show you just how much I love you" she_ trails off in a whisper, kissing against his ear. _"All night long" s_he finishes, biting down on his earlobe hard enough to cause him to gasp.

His eyes flew towards hers. He can't help the shutter that escapes his body upon hearing her words.  
>Her eyes twinkle from excitement, knowing full well what affect it had on him. She sighed one final time, letting all the frustrations of the day out before reaching out her hand, helping him up and finally connecting their lips together in a long slow passionate kiss.<p>

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><p><em><strong>AN Okay, I know that for some of you that slap wasn't what you'd expected to happen but there's something I need to say about that.  
>I felt like I could be a 'natural' thing that could happen between them. Kensi had always been a puncher and Deeks knows that. Until now all of her punches where addressed to his shoulder blades with the exception of the one face slap heard around the world in season 5.<br>Kensi's a passionate person, she's also very emotional. Unlike the slap in season 5 the slap that I've written wasn't done deliberately. She didn't mean to hit him this time, it was just an accumulation of built up frustration and anger during their talk/fight and it got away from her.  
>That's also why, unlike last time, she'd felt so extremely guilty afterwards and felt like she didn't deserve to be forgiven easily.<br>In my opinion both Kensi and Deeks are very straightforward people. If somethings wrong,it's wrong, when something's right, it's right. They both still need to learn that there's a grey area that they can operate between. They're trying their best to give this relationship the best chance they can give it and it's going to have its ups and downs but like Deeks said, they're in this together for the long haul.**_

_**I'm still very excited for the rest of this story and I hope you guys are too. If there's something you want me to address or need me to clear up, just let me know.**_

_**Please don't forget to review and let me know what you think about this chapter, I'd love to hear it (and it's a great motivator to keep writing)**_

_**Have a great week & we'll see each other again next Sunday! **_


	5. Chapter 5

_**First and foremost I want to thank each and every one of you who favorite, follows and reviews this story, it means so much to me that people enjoy reading L.O.F.  
>Just have to clear some tiny things up before we get into next chapter.<br>I've decided not to reflect on the slap between Kensi & Deeks in this chapter. Mostly because I felt that it was resolved at the end of the last one.  
>I had some people say that Deeks reaction was extreme and unjustified but I didn't see it that way. Yes, he overreacted on a cover kiss, when he had done so much worse in the past. Yes, he called her a sl*t but he acknowledged that he shouldn't have said it and he even told Kensi that he probably deserved the punch. The point I was trying to make was that Deeks was upset about the fact that Kensi walked away from him when she so clearly made him promise to never do that to her. You can take the fight and the punch any way you like but in the end the main point I was trying to make was that they BOTH still have a lot to learn and at the end of the day they want to do that together. <strong>_

_**There isn't a clear timeline in this story, sometimes one chapter immediately follows into the next and other times (like this one) it's clear that a little time has passed between both chapters. I hope that's not too confusing for you guys.**_

_**I know it's an illusion but I still hold out hope that one day I might have ownership over Densi and/or NCIS LA. Right now though, I have to be content with the fact that nothing more than the ideas for this story are my own. **_

_**Okay, enough talk. Let's get into the chapter.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

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><p><strong>In a dark moment I ask, "How can anyone bring a child into this world?" And the answer rings clear, "Because there is no other world, and because the child has no other way into it." <strong>

**-Robert Brault**

It's one of those days. One of those days where everything you don't want to talk about forces their way to the surface and you have no other way of getting rid of it.  
>Kensi had known for years that Deeks was the type that wanted kids and every time they had a case that involved children she'd see that extra glint of happiness in his eyes when he'd get to play with them. For the longest time Kensi couldn't imagine herself as a mother but in the back of her mind she knew the talk about it was inevitable.<p>

Here they where, sitting outside Sam's garden on a Saturday afternoon. The case they had been working on had wrapped early and Michelle had invited them over for a little family barbecue. Deeks had been watching Kensi clearly for a couple minutes while she appeared to intensely watch Sam play with his daughter. Her features where relaxed but her body langue betrayed her tense state.

"_You don't want to have kids?" _Deeks blurred out. He knew that bringing this up right now was a risk but he couldn't hold it in any longer. The thought had haunted him the entire day and they had been together long enough for them to finally have a real talk about their future plans.

Kensi looked at him, clearly startled by his direct approach_ "I never said that. I said it was unlikely with a job like ours" _she explained.

Deeks sighed, after years of working side by side he knew how to read between her lines and he didn't like what he was hearing _"You said highly __unlikely. Highly unlikely is pretty much a no"  
><em>

Kensi shifted, tearing her eyes away from the Hanna family, and turning towards Deeks "_Can we not do this right now? Can we talk about this later?"_ she asked, but the tone of her voice made it seem more like a statement than a question.

Deeks shook his head _"No. Because later with you is almost always never"_

It was clear that Deeks wasn't going to let this go without a fight and she knew that this wasn't the time and place to get into everything _"We'll talk about this when we get home" _she promised, locking her eyes with his  
><em><br>_Deeks eyed her hopeful _"So there's still something to talk about?" _he asked, knowing that if there was something to talk about it meant he could still hold out a little hope  
><em><br>"Yes Deeks, there is"_ Kensi promised, taking his hand and squeezing it softly.

* * *

><p>Silence. All she really wants is silence. Silence, to put her thoughts in order.<p>

Unfortunately, silence isn't an option _"Let's talk"_ Deeks says the minute she drops down on the couch and pushes her shoes out of the way.

As much as she loves him, she's seriously not in a state to talk about this now _"Deeks, seriously, we just __got home. I need to sit for a second" _she smells below her armpits and makes a funny face _"And apparently a shower too"_ she finishes.

Deeks shakes his head. He knows what she's doing _"And after the shower there's food and then there's some TV show you just HAVE to see and after that it's time for bed and you count on me having forgotten about it" _

"_Deeks" _Kensi warns. She knows she's the queen of deflecting but so is Deeks. But, unlike her, Deeks can be a pit-bull when he wants something. Sinking his teeth in deep and not letting go until it's resolved. And it's apparent he wants this, bad.

_"What? This apparently isn't as important of a discussion to you as it is to me"  
><em>

Deeks looks so forlorn when he speaks that she almost gives in, but she knows that she needs to gets her thoughts in order before they talk _"That's a low blow and you know it. I'm tired and sweaty, I just need a shower. You take care of the food and we can talk about it during dinner okay?"  
><em>

"_Fine"_ Deeks relents. Knowing that pushing her any further isn't going to help his cause.

She takes as long as she can in the shower, not because she wants to drag out the inevitable talk any longer than she needs to, but because she needs to figure out a way to tell him.  
>They'd talked about having kids, little ninja assassins, but they never really talked about having them together.<br>Deeks had joked about it over the years and as much as she wished it did, the thought of a ruggedly handsome, strong willed, little ninja with his blond hair and her trademark mismatched eyes didn't scare her as much as it used to.  
>Her entire life she never really thought about having kids, she never really liked the idea of kids until she saw how good her partner was with them. So, when he asked her about kids about a year ago she'd told him that it was highly unlikely she'd ever get pregnant doing what she does for a living and she had really meant it at the time. She had seen how dark and gloom the world was becoming and she had no desire whatsoever to bring a child into that.<br>But things change, Kensi had changed, Deeks and Kensi had changed together and suddenly the thought of little ninja's hadn't scared her half as much as it used to.

"_Kens, food's ready" _Deeks' voice shakes her out of her thoughts and she suddenly becomes aware of the eerily cold water she's been standing under for a little while.  
><em><br>_Turning of the shower head she steps out of the shower and quickly wraps herself in a towel _"I'll be out in a minute" s_he sighed. Kensi had hoped that the shower would have cleared the cobwebs that clouded her thoughts but apparently it had only managed to get her more nervous. Brushing her hands over the mirror, she looks at herself. _"Get it together Kens" _she internally berated herself before heading towards the bedroom.

* * *

><p>"<em>Kens, what's wrong? You love my spaghetti and meatballs and you've barely touched it today" <em>Deeks asks. He had been looking at Kensi for a little while before he decided to speak up. She seemed extremely tense and that bothered him

Kensi looked at him apologetically _"Not that hungry I guess" _she admits, taking a tiny bite from her plate.

"_Is it bothering you THAT __much?" _Deeks suddenly asks, casting his eyes down, unable to look at her. He knew that having the talk wasn't going to be easy for them but he didn't know it was going to become such a sore topic.

A whirlwind of emotions coursed through Kensi's body. Joy, sadness, fear, a shiver of anger but mostly confusion _"What?" _she asks

_"That I want kids and you don't?"_ Deeks explains, eyeing her sadly.

The pang in her heart told her that she was the one who was causing him all this sadness, and she hated it _"No Deeks, No. That's not it. I promise" _she said, trying to comfort him.

Deeks was lost; he really didn't know what was going on in Kensi's mind. He had always pride himself on the fact that he was able to read her without any problem. Right now though, he had no idea where her head was at, and it bothered him to no extent _"Then what?" _he asked, a little more angered than he intended, his own frustration seeping through

_"I – "_she stuttered_, _clearly nervous _"I don't know how to start" _Kensi admitted.  
>Her whole body tensed up, and she sighed deeply<p>

He eyes her carefully, two big marbles shining back at him with uncertainty, one dark chocolate, the other light like chestnut_ "Start what?" _he asks  
><em><br>_Kensi sighs _"Are you sure you want it?" _she asks, lowering her head. But he puts his finger under her chin and makes her look him in the eyes_ "Kids I mean" _she bites her lower lip

_"Yes" _he says smiling, determination lacing his voice.  
><em><br>"And you're sure you want them with me? Kensi Blye, kid hater extraordinaire?"_She asks, surprised by the disappointment she feels if he said no.

"_You're not that person anymore" _he says calmly _"yes, with you"_

_"But how do you see us doing that?"_

"_What do you mean?"_He asks, carefully eyeing her as uncertainty fills her features. He puts his hands in front of him on the table, praying she'll do the same.

Kensi takes a couple minutes to put her thoughts in order before speaking _"You love your job, right?" _She finally asks, putting her own hands in front of her.

Deeks doesn't hesitate and reaches out _"Off course I do, but not as much as I love you" _he answers calmly, their hands now joined together on the table  
><em><br>"You plan on quitting and becoming a stay at home dad while mom runs around town chasing bad guys with a new partner?"_ she says. Her tone might be joking but Deeks knows she's serious, so he thinks long and hard before answering _"Uhm" _is all he manages to say before she continues _"Didn't think so. So how do you see it happening?"_

Eyeing his partner carefully he sighs, _"I didn't really think about it that far ahead yet. I just wanted to know if the notion of us having kids was in your thoughts eventually"_ he admits.

_"Once again I ask, how do you see it happening Deeks?" _she sighs tiredly, forgetting every other thought that previously occupies her mind.

Deeks eyes her, uncertainty etched on his features _"I don't know" _  
>He takes a couple minutes to get his thoughts in order <em>"I mean, when <em>_you get pregnant I'm pretty sure you'll be confined to a desk pretty much at least half of your pregnancy" _

_"They'll probably give me a new partner or let me tag along with Callen and Sam. You'll probably want to go back to work soon after giving birth and we'd probably share a partner? I don't know, like divide our time between baby and work or whatever?" _he finishes, his answer showing Kensi that he didn't really put any thought into it yet.

Kensi smiles timidly, _"You do realize our entire dynamic would change"_

He frowns, _"What do you mean?"_

_"We've been Kensi and Deeks, Deeks and Kensi for over five years now and a baby is going to change our whole lives. __We wouldn't be working together anymore, at least not nearly as much as we used to AND we won't be seeing each other as much as we do now__**. **__It's going to change everything, Deeks. EVERYTHING!" _She says, trying to get her point across.

_"But is that a reason not to have them?" _The softness of his voice surprises her and she takes a minute to ponder the question_ "I don't know, you tell me" _she eventually says

Deeks squeezes her hands, smiling up at her _"Things changing isn't necessarily a bad thing. I would be fine with us splitting our job if it meant you'd consider having kids with me"_ he tries to explain. He feels that they're on a crossroads in their relationship. Not that he would ever leave her but it would most definitely take a lot out of him if she'd told him she never wants kids. It would mean a lot of adapting on his part, and he would do it, because he loves her, but it wouldn't be easy. Deeks had always considered him becoming a dad in due time and if that would be taken away from him, it would be a blow he needed some time to recover from.

_"It wouldn't be easy. We would have less money; we'd have to move" _She looks at him, eyes challenging him.

_"Hold up. Move?" _Deeks finally manages to croak out. He looks around the kitchen and living room and has to swallow back the thought of leaving the house that has brought him so much joy.  
>This is where they had spent so much time together, as friends, as partners, and finally as so much more. This is where he admitted their partnership was a love story, this is where they first made love, this is where he finally admitted to himself that Kensi Blye was the only woman he needed by his side for the rest of his life and this is where they started to build that life, together.<p>

_"There's no way I'm raising a kid in a house without a backyard" _Kensi explains. Eyeing him wearily, hoping that her statement resonated.

She can see the wheels turning in his head, processing her words, before he speaks _"So you have thought about it" _he finally breathes out, smiling

_"I did"_

_"And?" _Deeks eyes lock with hers and he searches them expectantly

_"And I am" _Kensi answers, determination lacing her voice. She smiles when she sees the confusion on his face; sometimes it's so entertaining to see how little effort she has to put into flustering him.

_"Am what? Ready? Willing?" _he asks in disbelief. It's been a while since they've been talking in metaphors and he's a little rusty on the meaning of it all.

Kensi takes a beat, considering this the now or never moment, she puts on her biggest smile, squeezes his hands and breathes

"_No" _she finally says, heart beating loudly in her chest_ "Pregnant"_

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><p><strong>AN Dun, dun, dun. How's THAT for a cliffhanger?  
>Sorry guys I can't help it, this just happened to be the best point to end this chapter.<br>You know what makes for happy writers right? Recognition? Correct! So, don't be afraid to put this story in your favorite/follow list or leave a review.**

**Thanks for reading and I'll be here next Sunday, how about you?**


	6. Chapter 6

**This is the longest chapter so far. I really wanted to capture reactions of every team member in this chapter because I felt that was important for the story. The one opinion you won't be hearing is that of Hetty, I purposefully left that out because it's going to be important down the line. Anyway, without further ado I give you (after a little recap) chapter 6. Enjoy!**

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><p><em>She can see the wheels turning in his head, processing her words, before he speaks "So you have thought about it" he finally breathes out, smiling<em>

_"I did"_

_"And?" Deeks eyes lock with hers and he searches them expectantly_

_"And I am" Kensi answers, determination lacing her voice. She smiles when she sees the confusion on his face; sometimes it's so entertaining to see how little effort she has to put into flustering him._

_"Am what? Ready? Willing?" he asks in disbelief. It's been a while since they've been talking in metaphors and he's a little rusty on the meaning of it all._

_Kensi takes a beat, considering this the now or never moment, she puts on her biggest smile, squeezes his hands and breaths_

"_No" she finally says, heart beating loudly in her chest "Pregnant"_

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><p><strong>Life opens up opportunities to you,<br>and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them  
>-Jim Carrey<strong>

He's been staring at her for over five minutes, frozen in his seat quietly processing her words. "_You're what?" _he finally asks, surprise evident in his voice.

Kensi smiles, a smile so bright he's sure she'll start glowing any second _"Pregnant Deeks, I'm pregnant" _she answers. When she first thought about having 'the' conversation with Deeks about their possible future kids she had no idea she'd become pregnant so easily. When she first held the positive pregnancy test in her hand she had internally laughed and considered it a mistake. But, after buying ten more, who also turned out to be positive she allowed her mind to track back her movements to see how this could have happened. Kensi had been on the pill since she was 15 and it had always worked perfectly fine. About three months ago she was shot during an op and even though the bullet only graced her Deeks had insisted to go to the hospital and have her get a round of antibiotics. She hadn't realized at the time that it would be that round of antibiotics that would render her birth control useless for the time being._  
><em>

_"But we've just been talking about the idea of it" _Deeks says flabbergasted. If her sudden 180 about wanting to have kids shocked him this news was considered to unleash a full blown tornado of emotions.

_"I know" _she admitted. When she finally had calmed down from the shock herself she'd figured she had to find a way to tell Deeks. But, how do you tell someone you're pregnant when you've been adamant about not having them for so long? To say she didn't have sleepless nights because of it would be a lie. She also knew that she didn't want to keep the news from him for that long. This was not something she wanted to go through alone.

Deeks sighs heavily, his eyes searching hers questioningly "You're_ really pregnant?" _he asked. Somehow the idea still hadn't registered with him. Kensi was pregnant, with his child. They where going to have a baby, they where going to be parents.

_"Yes I am" _Kensi answered proudly. It had taken her quite a little time to get used to the idea of having a tiny human living inside her uterus but when she finally allowed herself to dream she'd come to the conclusion that she was actually really happy about it. If there was one person she wanted to have kids with it was with her ridiculously good looking, funny and extremely compassionate partner. Her Deeks.

"When?_ How long have you? I mean how far along are you?" _Deeks looked at Kensi's stomach. He had absolutely no idea how far along she would be, but considering the fact she wasn't showing yet he'd figured it wouldn't be that long.

_"about 8 weeks" _she answered, having done the math herself. Her first thought finding out was to make an appointment with an OBGYN but she knew that would be something she wanted to do with Deeks. She wanted to share every part of this pregnancy with him and she'd knew he'd appreciate it

_"WHAT" _Deeks looked at Kensi shocked. She had been pregnant for almost two months and she hadn't told him sooner. Why not? Suddenly a lot of thoughts ran through his head. Hadn't she wanted to tell him because she wasn't planning on keeping it? Didn't she tell him because she wasn't sure he could be a good father?Neither of those options where considered to be acceptable excuses for him.

She knew she should have told him the minute she found out, but she had needed some time "I_ only found out last week myself. I was just as shocked as you are" _Kensi elaborates, hoping to put his mind at ease.

_"Why didn't you tell me" _He tries to keep the disappointment from his voice. For her it was only a week, for him it was seven whole days of not knowing they where going to be parents. Seven whole days wherein he could have gotten used to the idea of the life altering state of their relationship.

_"I was scared, scared you'd change your mind once we talked about having to change our whole world because of it" _she admits. Although she had consciously made the decision to wait she hadn't at the time considered how it would affect him. Seeing his crestfallen face now, she knows it wasn't her decision to make. She might be the one carrying the baby, but she's not the only one taking care of this baby in the long run.

_"We're having a baby?"_ she hears him ask again.

_"We're having a baby!"_Kensi confirms once more. Seeing the sheer joy wash over him upon finally realizing what the news means, she wills herself to relax.

"_So, now what? How do we move forward?" _he asks. If it was up to him they'd keep the news to themselves a little while longer but he knew it wasn't ONLY up to him. They have to start making decisions together now, for their future, for their family.

_"You sure you want this?" _her voice startled him from his clutter of thoughts.

He thinks about what she's asking for all of one second before answering with a resolute_"Absolutely"_ before adding_ "And you?"_

_"Yes I do" _she answers truthfully. A week ago she couldn't have answered this honestly if she wanted to. The doubt about all the changes this was going to bring clouding her judgement and making it hard to be happy. But now, a week later, having some time to think things over and actually visualize a future with a child she'd wholeheartedly knew this was what she wanted.

Deeks huffs out a breath he didn't know he was holding,"_Then I guess we'll need to figure out the logistics, tell Hetty first."_

_"Hmm, hmm" _she answers vaguely. She wants him to take the lead on this. she felt like she had taken something from him by not telling him the moment she found out and this is her way of trying to make up for it.

If he knows what she's doing he doesn't call her out on it. He just gets into logistics "_And then we'll like throw a party or something when the 3 month mark is up and we tell all the others?" _

Feeling relieve and happiness wash over her like a warm blanket she can't help but smile. For someone who first was shell shocked he was quickly adapting, something Kensi was extremely proud of.

_"Sounds like a plan. But what about my mom?" _Kensi asked, not really sure as to what to do with that. The relationship with her mother had been strained for years to say the least, until she finally re-entered her live a couple years ago during an dangerous op.  
><em><br>"What about her?" _Deeks asks. Ever since Julia re-entered Kensi's (and subsequently his) life things have been casual. They had their weekly diner dates, went shopping on occasion but nothing beyond that. Their relationship had been that of casual friends and Deeks didn't like it.

_"We tell her now? Wait until we had the party? Invite her to the party?" _Kensi elaborates. As much as she treasured the relationship she had managed to rebuild with her mother she really didn't know how to react in a situation like this. It was not something she had experienced before, and that scared her a little.

Deeks knew that as much as she would want him to make this decision for her this was something she needed to decide herself._ "Do you think she'd be mad if we waited to tell her with the others?" _he opted, hoping to trigger a response.

_"I don't know" _she answered, shrugging her shoulders casually. And that was the truth. She really didn't know HOW her mother was going to react either way.

_"What do you want to do?" _

The question startled her. When she first found out she was pregnant she knew she needed to tell Deeks first because there was no way she could justify not telling him. The second thought she had was about her mother. She might not have been acting like a daughter for over a decade but that didn't mean she wasn't one. Thinking about that life growing inside of her she knew that no matter WHAT relationship they ended up having she would want to know her child was expecting_,__"I guess I want to tell her."_

Deeks quirks his eyebrows_ "You guess?" _he questions.

_"I know" _she admits_ "I do, I want to tell her" _she repeats smiling. Kensi knows that she wouldn't be able to keep the news from her mother for that long even if she wanted to. It was going to be hard to stay mum at work but she just KNEW it was impossible to fool her mother, and on top of that she didn't want to. She wanted to share this with her mother, wanted the stories of her childhood but mostly she wanted to know what to expect and tips on how to deal with it. It would be a great way to bond even further.

* * *

><p>"<em>Mom, can you sit down for a second. We need to tell you something" <em>They had been sitting in Julia's backyard for hours with Julia slaving away in the kitchen, never giving Kensi or Deeks any room to bring anything up. At first she had chastised them for their impromptu visit but then she had ushered them outside and told them they had just given her the best excuse ever to use her new oven. She had come back half an hour later with lemonade and the first dish to try, and had disappeared as quickly as she came. This went on for what felt like hours, other than the occasional_ "Yum" and "Delicious" _nothing shared between the three of them.

That one sentence rendered a response from Julia. Setting the latest dish down, she planted herself down on one of the seats across from them "_Oh lord what did Marty do this time?"_

Kensi smiled. She couldn't blame her mother for going there. From all of the talks they had casually, Deeks was usually the main topic_ "Uhm"_

Deeks was being uncharacteristically quiet, waiting for Kensi to tell her story. He had offered to come with her but drew the line by telling her mother. Deeks knew that Julia thought he was good for Kensi, she had told him as much the last time they talked, but knocking up her little girl, that was something else entirely. He would guess that the first thing she would do is chop his balls of and sell them on the black market, making sure it NEVER happened again.

"He_ asked you to marry him didn't he?"_ Julia suddenly says. Her whole face lit up_ "Oh Kensi, I'm so happy for you"_

Kensi sighed,_"No mom. He didn't." _For someone who pride herself on being so perceptive she wasn't doing such a good job. If she'd just taken the time to sit down and eat with them she'd realized that over half of the things she'd bring out Kensi hadn't touched. Not because she didn't want to, god how she CRAVED some clam chowder and a mozzarella sandwich, but because she COULDN'T eat them anymore if she wanted a healthy baby.

"_Wait? What? He didn't?"_Julia asked, face shocked. Her eyes darted from Kensi to Deeks _"Marty, you keep surprising me. Why haven't you asked Kensi to marry you?"_

_"MOM!" _Kensi sputtered, almost choking on a piece of cucumber. Her face turned as red as a tomato, and she had to look away to contain the fit of giggles that threatened to erupt upon seeing Deeks' face

Julia wasn't about to let her daughter of the hook that easil_y,"Kensi come on, from what I've been told you guys have been inseparable for the past five years. And maybe you weren't really __together for most of those but you both got your act together now, haven't you? So what's the hold up?" _

Kensi sighed,"_Mom, can you please stop talking for one __second and sit down. You spend way __too much time with Deeks; you start to ramble just like him" _  
>She had enough rambling to deal with on a daily basis, and she wasn't in the mood for more.<p>

"_I don't mind spending time with Marty Kensi, you know that" _Julia started but upon seeing her daughters -not so- amused face she sobered _"I don't ramble"_

_"Yes, you do. But that's beside the point" _Kensi countered. Upon hearing the tone of her voice Deeks put a hand on Kensi's shoulder to ground her. This was supposed to be a fun visit, to share something special between family. Deeks wasn't about to let it get turned into something else.

"_What exactly is __the point of this impromptu visit if it's not to announce you're getting married" _Julia asked, her own annoyance now clear in her voice.

_"We just wondered something" _Deeks said, taking over the lead before things got out of hand.

_"What?" _Julia asked, the calmness returning in her voice.

Deeks swallows, he hadn't really thought this would be something he'd have to break to his mother in law. He didn't really have a plan, so he said the first thing that came to mind_ "Have you seen any storks lately?"_

_"What? What kind of IDIOTIC question is that?" _Julia raised an eyebrow, looking questioningly from Deeks to her daughter. Kensi stifled back a laugh, if she didn't know where this conversation was going she'd for sure be lost herself

_"Just tell us, have you?" _Deeks asked again, trying to keep the seriousness in his tone.

He saw the flicker of understanding before they heard the_ "O-H M-Y G-O-D." _Julia all but screamed, eyes wide, realization written clear over her face  
><em><br>"I think it landed" _Kensi whispered smilingly. Her breath tickling his ears, making him shutter.

_"You're pregnant" _Julia all but screamed, excitement clear in every syllable.

_"Oh, it most definitely landed" _Deeks laughed, kissing Kensi on the cheek before getting lost in a bear hug between Kensi and her mother.

* * *

><p>"<em>How on earth are we going to tell the guys?" <em>Deeks asks one night while they're laying in bed. They had a long excruciating day at work and he had been worried about her pretty much round the clock. He wanted to shelter her from the bullets, keep her from bumping into things, even have her relent on giving him the keys to the car, but he didn't know how he was going to justify all of this to the rest of the team. He had wanted to tell them for a little while now but ever time they came close he'd imagine their faces, mad as hell "_On second thought maybe we shouldn't. I mean, I'm pretty sure they'll either kill or castrate me to make sure I can't make any more"_

Kensi laughed,_"Drama Queen". _She knew that it was going to be hard for Callen and Sam to accept that she wasn't some little girl that needed protection anymore, and if she did she had Deeks now to take care of that and things had been that way for years now.

"_Kens, have you forgotten how they reacted when we first told them we were dating? They practically killed me with their looks" _Deeks says, recalling that conversation with a shutter.

_"They were just a little overprotective. I'm like their little sister. I'm sure that they'll be happy for us" _Kensi laughed, turning to face Deeks. If she was being honest she'd practically KNEW they'd be happy for her. Ever since Sam came up to her last month asking her if she wouldn't mind babysitting his daughter again because she'd loved it so much last time. Kensi knew it was going to be great when she saw his eyes lid up when she told him she'd love to. But, sometimes it was so tempting to just play with Deeks a little.

Deeks swallowed_,_"_I'm not so sure."_

_"We've been together for years Deeks. It's not like we had a one night stand and you knocked me up" _Kensi smiled warmly, proud of the relationship she had managed to build with Deeks. After everything they'd been through, she thinks back to that first time they crossed that line. How different things would've been if she'd become pregnant then, if she hadn't been shipped to Afghanistan for some bogus classified mission to shoot/save/spare, whatever the hell they told her it was, her ex fiancee.

_"That might have been better. I could say it was an accident and I had nothing to do with it"_

Kensi's hysterical laugh echoed through the room_ "Your sperm magically made its way into my uterus and made a baby? Yeah, they'll be MUCH less mad about that" _she said sarcastically

Deeks scrunched his nose "_If you say it like that"_

_"YOU said it like that" _she countered.

_"Touché Kenselina, touché" _Deeks said, smiling. He figured that he'd just have to suck up whatever punishment the boys would be dishing out on him, because as much as this might not have been planned, it was surely wanted and he would do ANYTHING to make sure Kensi knew that.

* * *

><p>When they sat down at their favorite little restaurant for a get together with friends a couple days later, the jitters came back in full force. Kensi's hand reached out to his on instinct and he squeezed it for reassurance.<p>

"_Thanks for inviting us, guys. It's been a long time since we've hung out together outside of work" _Eric's voice filled the quiet restaurant, quickly followed by Nell's

_"We should do this more often" _she added, giving Kensi a friendly hug while clapping Deeks on the shoulder.  
><em><br>"Deal" _Sam's voice came from behind one of the waiters and before he could settle down Callen came rushing in, worriedly looking at Kensi _"Kens are you okay? You look like you haven't slept in days"_

_"Hello to you too, is that your nice way of telling me I look like crap?"_Kensi said, frustration clear in her voice. She had been dealing with her mother for days. Days of pampering, because according to her mother she looked like she was about to jump of a cliff and not come back up. Dramatic much?

_"I wouldn't say it like that but you've looked better. Are you sick?" _Callen clarified, casting his worrying eyes upon her once more.

"_Sick? No, not really" _Kensi answered truthfully, trying to keep her frustrating tone out of her voice. She wasn't about to get into a fight with Callen over something as insignificant as not looking all that great.

"_Kensi, what's wrong?"_ Nell cuts in, adapting the worried tone of Callen.

Kensi pushed out a strangled breath through closed lips_ "Nothing" _she says, pinching her nose, feeling a headache coming up.

_"We all know that nothing means everything in your vocabulary" _Nell answers, but quickly looks away when Kensi's agitated look penetrates through her

Kensi locks eyes with Deeks, reaching for support. He squeezes her hand in recognition _"Let's eat, I'm starving" _he opts, giving a fake growl of his stomach for good measure. "_What do you want to order Kens?" _he asked, already knowing what her answer was going to be.

_"I will have the lamb chops with baby carrots and tiny potatoes"_ They had talked about how they where going to bring the news to their friends and Kensi had hoped that the conversation with Callen didn't steer him in another direction, she was extremely grateful it didn't

_"You never eat baby carrots" _Nell cuts in, having found back her braveness. She knew that her friend wasn't really mad at her for agreeing with Callen but she still managed to look somewhat guilty.

_"I love baby carrots" _Kensi says overly cheery, mischievous eyes locking with Deeks. They had a bet going on who would figure things out first, Deeks had opted for their team captain because according to Deeks you could NEVER put anything past Callen but Kensi had put her money on Nell, her friend always knowing what she was thinking before she even thought it herself. When she looked around the table, seeing the scrunched up faces of Callen and Sam alongside Eric she knew she was close to winning.

_"Since when?" _Nell asked, amusement in her voice. Her eyes twinkled and Kensi knew she putting two and two together

Kensi deliberately stayed quiet for a little while. She wanted to commemorate the look of each of their faces when she uttered the next words "_Since about 13 weeks"_

_"What?"_Sam was the first to break the silence, looking at Kensi questioningly

"_KENSI MARY BLYE, are you saying what you think I'm saying?" _Nell's voice came booming through the restaurant.

Kensi smiled, eyes twinkling,_"Yes."_

"_What? Am I missing something?" _Eric asked. Deeks looked at him sympathetically but didn't say a word. He was too busy gawking Callen and Sam's reaction. But the boys gave him absolutely nothing to work with. He could see Nell whispering something in Eric's ear, and then realization dawned on him, evident in his eyes.

"_Congratulations guys, we're so happy for you" _Callen eventually says, the only one who hadn't said anything during this little ordeal.

Deeks locks his eyes with him_ "You are?" _he asks, shocked.

_"Off course we are. We had bets on how long it would take to either have a marriage proposal or a pregnancy" _Sam chimed in,_ " I think Nell won" _he said, sticking his tongue out to her teasingly.

"_Oh my god, seriously?" _Kensi couldn't believe they had a bet going on this. She knew that she and Deeks where the topic of most of their bets and jokes but she didn't know it was THAT bad.

_"You where nervous weren't you Deeks?" _Callen asks amused, bumping his shoulder with Sam, pointing towards their joined hands.

_"No" _Deeks lies, jerking his hand away from Kensi's. It's one thing to SAY you're nervous and it's another thing to let others know you ARE.

_"Yes. You have no idea. He thought you'd kill him" _Kensi smiles, clapping him on the shoulder casually.

_"Come on guys, you aren't anything new. You've been together for a long time now and I know you're good for Kensi, you've proven that time and time again._  
><em>You two belong together" <em>their team captain said, clearly meaning every word.

It startled Deeks, if there was one person he'd expect problems from it was Callen but he seemed to be just as supportive as the rest of them_ "Thank you guys that means a lot"_

* * *

><p>"<em>You think we're ready for this, Deeks?<em>_" _Kensi asks later that night, feet propped up on his legs, lazily chewing on a piece of chocolate.

Deeks takes one of Kensi's feet and starts rubbing it "_I don't think you can ever BE completely ready for something as life altering as this. All we can do is prepare the best way we can for this little creature, and that we can do. I believe in us__" _he admits.

_"And that's how I know that everything will be okay. As long as I have you by my side, I can handle anything" _Kensi says seriously, pushing herself up a little so that she can ruffle his hair.

Deeks smiles _"You"_ he says_ "Me"_ he points to himself, smiling wider "And_ baby makes three" _he finishes, kissing Kensi's still flat stomach.

Kensi sighed from relief, although the responses of the team had put their mind at ease a little, they where still a little scared about the future. This baby was a blessing in disguise, something they didn't know they wanted THAT bad until they got it. They knew that eventually all they could do was prepare for it the best away they could. There where still a lot of things uncertain in their future but there was one thing they knew without a single doubt in their minds. They where going to do anything in their power to be a family. To keep this a family, safe, and happy, for the rest of their lives.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I was really happy with the responses I got last chapter. The majority of you didn't know it was going to go the route it did when the 'conversation' first started and I love that. I am a person who likes to give you something you don't exactly expect or see coming from a mile away. On that note I want to warn you guys once again that this story is NOT going where you might have figured I would take it. It may seem like it now but this story still isn't a 'happy romantic' story, it's hard, it's heavy, it's emotionally draining (for me to write anyway since I've written quite a bit ahead and know where I want to take this). My main goal at the end of the day is that when you finish this story you say to yourself 'wow, this was not what I expected when I first started this story'.  
><strong>

**See you all next week?**


	7. Chapter 7

**First of all, I apologize for the slight delay in uploading this chapter. My laptop crashed before I had the chance to finish it. This chapter had been sitting on my computer for a couple days, waiting for its finishing touches, but my laptop decided to crash before I could upload. Anyway, it's only a day late so I hope you guys can forgive me. Without further chitchat I give you chapter 7. Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.<br>The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.  
>-Nelson Mandela<strong>

She's twenty weeks pregnant when Hetty finally puts her foot down demanding desk duty. Under loud protest she says goodbye to the boys when they go on their first case without her. Deeks is a little uneasy tagging along with Callen and Sam but he's happy Hetty didn't make him get a new partner. Yet.  
>They've decided on picking a new partner together and splitting their work time once the baby is born.<p>

It takes a little time for both of them to readjust to the new circumstances. They have been working together for more than seven years now and it's weird not spending every waking moment together.  
>Fortunately they keep each other in the loop with lots of texts back and forth. So, when one day it takes Deeks a little too long to reply for Kensi's liking she's quick to call him. When he doesn't pick up, her worry becomes more prominent. Before she knows it the entire osp center is in turmoil because she demands to speak to Deeks. After forty five minutes of still no contact she begins to really panic and when she sees Callen come into the bullpen without Sam OR Deeks she stalks towards him <em>"What the HELL is going on Callen?" <em>she demands, hands on her ever expanding belly.

Callen glances towards Hetty's office and sighs "_Nothing to worry about"_

Kensi raises an eyebrow. She knows that tone, she knows that look. Something is most definitely going on here and she'll be damned if she didn't find out what it is, right this instant "_Don't you dare tell me not to worry. I've been trying to call Deeks for hours and can't seem to reach him. Now here you are, WITHOUT Sam OR Deeks and you tell me not to worry. Tell me Callen. NOW!"_

"_Kensi, I need you to stay calm. You're pregnant" _Callen answers calmly. Too calmly for her liking. If there's one thing he should know by now it's that you do NOT tell a pregnant woman to calm down, especially not one called Kensi Blye.

"_I know I'm pregnant Idiot" _she spits venomously, pointing towards her belly. She's getting more agitated by the minute and she feels a major headache coming on already.

Callen recoils and even manages to look a little scared, before he finds his footing again "_Kens, calm down" _he says again, reaching out to touch her hands

Kensi takes another step forwards, practically bumping into him with her belly "_I am NOT calming down until you tell me where Deeks is"  
><em>she says, voice low, threatening. She's tired, she's cranky, she sick with worry and on top of that the little peanut has been kicking like CRAZY for the past twenty minutes or so, making her feel extremely uncomfortable. All in all, NOW was not a good time to go against the likes of Kensi Blye.

"_Kens –" _Callen tried again, but doesn't get very far before Kensi cuts him off with a loud shout of his name "_CALLEN!"_

She's practically fuming, steam coming out of her ears, ready for another round of verbal abuse when she hears a voice come from behind her "_We don't know where Mr. Deeks is, Ms. Blye."_

Whipping her head around she's met with something that makes her stomach turn. Hetty is looking at her with so much hurt and pain that she briefly wonders if this is Hetty's roundabout way of telling her Deeks died. But, as quickly as that thought came, she files it away. Hetty doesn't do roundabouts, she ALWAYS tells it like it is, good or bad. For once she's glad for that "_What do you mean; we don't know where he is?"_

"_We lost contact" _Hetty explains, quietly guiding Kensi into her office, away from the prying eyes of the group of spectators that seemed to have heard the commotion.

Hetty points to a chair but Kensi refuses to sit "_How the hell can you lose contact between the three of you? And where is Sam or don't you know that either?" _she spits, her anger quickly reaching its boiling point.

"_Sam has stayed behind at the crime scene, trying to figure out what happened" _Callen's voice is quiet, timid even. He's looking anywhere but at Kensi. This is the part of the job he hates, the uncertainty, the not knowing. He can only imagine what Kensi must be feeling right now, pregnant and alone, not knowing what happened or where her partner is.

"_What happened Callen?" _Kensi asks quietly after a minute, her anger slowly morphing into worry.

Callen swallows, this is the part where he needs to be careful. They might not know where Deeks is but they DO know he's alive, or at least he HOPES they know. Right now he's not really sure of anything other than that Deeks has gone missing "_We don't really know" _he admits, lowering his head in shame.

"_What DO you know Mr. Callen?" _ Hetty cuts in before Kensi loses it. She feels her whole body shivering and the only other thing she feels is a hand that pushes her down on a chair, handing her a glass of water.

The voices she hears are muffled, like they're a mile away, and she has to strain to hear what they are saying. "_We rolled up at the crime scene and found multiple bodies. Sam and I stayed with one body trying to determine what happened. I asked Deeks to check the rest of the house and I haven't seen him since" _  
>Callen said, backtracking their movements since this morning.<p>

"_So he's still at the house?" _Hetty asks, but from her tone Kensi knows she finds that highly unlikely.

Callen sighs "We _thought he was but after a while we didn't hear or see anything so Sam went to go check it out,"_ he answers, doubt laced in every word "_We searched the entire house top to bottom but there was no sign of Deeks"_

Kensi replays everything in her head, trying to figure out what might have happened. Deep down she knows he's okay, she FEELS he's okay. He might not be with them right now and she has no way to prove it but she just KNOWS he's okay. He has to be "_Any signs of a struggle?" _she asks, eyes focused on Callen

"_Kensi" _Callen says and she suddenly hears the lingering doubt and tiredness in his voice

"_Callen, any signs of a struggle?" _she asks, determination lacing her voice. She's trying her hardest to keep it together, to NOT lose it, not HERE, NOT at work, not when she doesn't actually know there IS anything to freak out over.

But the next words out of his mouth make her double over from shock "_We found his badge and some blood spatters by the back door"_

She suddenly clutches her belly, the baby whom just a minute ago was still kicking up a storm has suddenly gone quiet and she wonders if that's the irony of the situation. If it's because baby knows there's something wrong and it's trying it's hardest to not make things any harder than they need to be "_O my god" _she manages to choke out. And then the floodgates open, the tears she so bravely had been holding in for the past half hour streaming down her face in rapid pace.

"_Please don't think the worst. Deeks is a great cop; he knows how to get out of tough spots. I'm sure he's fine" _Callen tries to reassure her, placing a hand on her shoulder and wiping away some of the tears that are staining her face.

"_You don't know that" _she sniffles, still clutching her belly with both of her hands _"He can be dead for all we know" _

"_I do know that Kensi"_ Callen says determinedly, "_I know Deeks. He's going to do anything in his power to get back to you" _he continues _"and the little nugget" _he finally adds, putting a hand on top of Kensi's stomach.

It's quiet when she suddenly whips her head up, looking towards Hetty and Callen who are quietly conversing in the far end of the office, she clears her throat, manages to find her bearing again "_What now?" _she asks.

"_I go back to the crime scene, but I need you to realize you are not the only one demanding updates. I can't be worrying about you freaking out on me when there's no news for a little while. I will keep Eric and Nell in the loop and they will brief you. Deal?"_

She knows it's Callen in detective mode trying to distance himself from the situation but that doesn't make the words hurt any less. She wants to tell him that, she wants to shout, kick, scream, that it's DEEKS for god's sake. A part of their team that's gone missing. A friend. a partner. a lover, he's talking about.  
>Instead she just quietly nods her head and whispers "<em>Yes" <em>

She sees his retreating figure and determinedly shouts his name before he gets a chance to round the corner. He whips his head back in her direction, eyes tired and questioning _"Please bring him back in one piece"_

"_I'm not leaving until we've found him Kensi, I promise__" _he says determined. He had learned a long time ago that no man, dead or alive, get's left behind. In this case he would much prefer it if they found Deeks alive, not just for his sake, or the sake of the team, but for the sake of that beautiful woman in front of him clasped with her hands around her prominent belly and the little nugget inside of it. Nobody deserves to grow up without a father, and NO ONE especially not Kensi deserves to have to do this alone.

Kensi gives him a weak smile "_Don't promise something you don't know you can keep" _she whimpers, fresh tears streaming down her face.

"_This is one promise I tend to keep Kensi" _he says, before quickly making his way out of ops, back to the crime scene, back to the questions, that will hopefully lead to answers, and Deeks.

* * *

><p>His head throbs, his hands itch and his eyes burn. Slowly trying to open them he squints around the room. He's not sure where he is or how he came here but there's one thing he knows for sure. He's tied up in a wheelchair and he's been injected with something that makes him feel extremely loopy.<p>

Looking around the room more accurately he can determined he's in some sort of warehouse and he's definitely not alone. At the front of the room are two very burly looking men guarding the entrance, they seem to be loaded with heavy firearms. Deeks wrecks his brain thinking where he left his own gun. Wiggling left and right in the wheelchair he feels something hard on his right hip, relieved that for some reason his kidnappers didn't take his gun. A sudden buzzing in his left pocket startles him. He quickly realizes it's probably Kensi calling or texting him. He doesn't know how much time has passed but he's sure it's been more than enough time for people to start worrying and for Kensi to start freaking out. Feeling extremely guilty for not being able to reply, the thought of the team looking for him brings him some solace.

"_I see you're awake Mr. Gentry" _a tiny man with a long grey beard stops in front of him. Deeks sighs, he should've known that alias was going to come back and bite him in the ass one day. He had never been fond of the roll of Mr. Gentry, feeling like it was the easiest alias to lose himself in. Ever since Kensi and he became official he had promised to abandon the alias of Max and as far as the thugs where concerned Max Gentry was killed in a cafe shootout. Apparently the tiny man had recognized him at the crime scene and decided to take him out.

"_You seem very much alive for a dead guy Max" _the other guy, about two inches taller than the little one, said. Both men where now standing eerily close to him and Deeks quickly wondered what they where going to do to him "_Being dead is overrated" _he chuckled sarcastically

"_You should know"_

"_So, tell me, what am I doing here?" _Deeks asked. Both men had called him by his alias of Max Gentry so he had to assume his cover was still intact and the thugs hadn't found out he was a cop. 1 - 0 for him, he quickly thought.

"_Just wanted to know what you were doing at my crime scene buddy. I mean, it sounds like the beginning of a bad joke. Dead guy walks into a crime scene" _

Deeks let out a tiny sigh of relieve, but quickly covered it up with a cough. He needed to keep it together, slip into the alias of Max, coming up with a credible story to feed them "_I needed a place to crash"_ he says steadily "_I've been living on the streets ever since I 'died' and that particular house looked abandoned but extremely cozy" _Deeks answered_"You should've put a sign on the door saying occupied by the dead"_

"_That wouldn't have scared you away, being dead and all" _One of the guys answered, bending forward, practically spitting the words in his face.

"_Touché" _

A loud rumble echoed through the warehouse "_Fancy word for a sketchy guy" _the other guy laughed, clapping him lightly on the shoulder.  
>For two bad guys they where giving him too much leeway for his liking to say what he wanted.<p>

"_I read Wikipedia sometimes"_ Deeks answered_ "But, you still haven't told me what I'm actually doing here. Tied up in a wheelchair" _

"_I'm not sure that's something you should worry about. You should worry more about the fact if we're going to let you live or not. You're dead to the rest of the world which means that nobody will miss you when we actually DO kill you" _

There you go, that's more of the threatening lingo he's grown accustom to from bad guys.  
>"<em>But why would you do that? I haven't done anything to you, have I?" <em>Deeks raised an eyebrow, looking from one guy to the other. He was wracking his brain trying to come up with a reason for these two guys to kidnap him. It's not like he knew them or anything

"_You really don't remember me do you?" _Or maybe he did? He really didn't recognize their faces but then again Deeks had seen many faces in his time as an (undercover) cop that it was hard to remember them all "_Should I?" _he asked eventually, still drawing a blank.

"_December 12__th__, 1996. Long Island beach house 312" _Both men said in unison, apparently that startled them which gave Deeks a little time to recall the date.

Ah, now it all made sense. December 12th 1996 was the day the cops busted down his Long Island beach house and arrested ten guys for selling and distributing illegal drugs and weapons. At the time of the bust there was a weapon deal going down and Max Gentry was still a kid player in the whole game. One of the guys had shoved the gun into his hands, hoping to avoid jail time "_I had nothing to do with that" _Deeks lied. In all honesty he had anything to do with it, OBVIOUSLY"_They all say that but YOU where the one holding the gun and I was the one who got locked up for TWELVE freaking years"_

"_That wasn't my fault" _he lied, again. He was the main reason the guys had ALL been locked away.

"_How did you get away Scot free?" _the tiny man asked, genuinely curious.

Deeks didn't answer immediately, and that only made the men more suspicious, he had to come up with something quick "_I didn't. They gave me three years probation and I had to wear an ankle bracelet for the entire time" _he lied, internally berating himself for coming up with such a ludicrous lie.

"_That's minor compared to the time we did" _The other man, who Deeks had finally learned was called Theo, said.

"_I don't know why they sentenced you like that" _Deeks answered honestly. At the time he had thought twelve years was a little excessive for a gun deal that didn't even make it all the way through. Especially when a similar deal had given his lifelong best friend, Ray, probation and a job as a snitch.

"_Bullshit" _Theo spat, slapping Deeks hard across the face, making him recoil.

"_No it's not. I really don't know" _Deeks said, spitting out the blood that had accumulated in his mouth.

"_BULLSHIT, Mr. Gentry, I know your little secret" _Deeks looked up with worried eyes, did they really just play him just now? Had they had known he was a cop all this time? _"You're girlfriend, Samantha, was a freaking COP. She cut you a fucking deal!" _The tiny man shouted, lowering his hands to Deek's belt, rummaging at the back to get to the gun they apparently knew he held there.

"_Ex girlfriend" _Deeks said sarcastically, desperately trying to stay in character but finding it harder each passing minute.

"_There's no Samantha to safe you this time. You're going to die" _

Deeks closed his eyes, taking a deep breath "_Can't we talk about this?"_

A sarcastic chuckle escaped Theo. Handing the gun to his partner he said"_No_"

If Deeks didn't know any better he would've swore he saw a little bit of guilt and desperation in the other man's eyes

_ "Shoot him Greg"_ Theo demanded "_Now"_

Deeks closes his eyes again, feeling the barrel of the gun against his temple. His whole life flashes before his eyes and he feels the moisture dribble down his cheeks, realizing he's crying. He's never going to see his child being born, he's never going to see him or her grow up, see Kensi be the great mother he knows she can be and he's never going to marry the love of his life, but most importantly he's never going to be able to hold her one last time telling her that the last seven years have been the best of his entire life.

_"Please don't do this. We can talk about this" _Deeks pleads one last time, focusing his attention on Greg. That seems to be the one with the conscious, if he can call it that. He knows that he's screwed, he's tied up with both hands and feet and they're pointing his own gun at him. There's absolutely nothing left for him to do than to beg.

"_No" _he hears one last time. And then, just when he's about to surrender to his fate, all hell breaks loose. The warehouse gets breached with people from left to right and he hears gunshots from far away and feels men running past him.  
>He doesn't dare open his eyes until he feels a hand on his shoulder. His eyes trail upwards and he's met with the concerned eyes of Sam Hanna "<em>Are you okay?" <em>he asks.

Looking down, he realizes there's no bullet wound on him, and he's not in any kind of pain. "_I think so" _he answers.

"_Let's get you to the hospital just to be sure" _Callen's voice comes from behind him, two hands helping helping him up and out of the confinement of the wheelchair.

He wiggles on his feet a couple times, gives himself a quick once over and then focuses his attention back on his rescuers "_If it's all the same to you __I much rather go back to OSP and give my girlfriend and unborn child the biggest hug you can imagine"_

"_No problem buddy, no problem" _Sam says, clapping Deeks on the shoulder _"She'll be so happy to see you Deeks" _

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN Wow that was a hard chapter to write. I know I've said that this story would have his rough patches and I have mapped most of the story out but that doesn't mean it's not hard to write at times. It's one thing to write them fighting with each other, but outside forces tearing them apart is a whole other ballgame. And, since we're on the topic anyway. Let me just say something that will hopefully ease your worried minds a little.  
>I KNOW I've said (and keep repeating) that this story isn't a happy romantic one, I just want to say this story IS Densi, its endgame IS Densi. I'm not going to change that. They're going to be together for the remainder of this story, that's something I promise. What I can't and won't promise is that it's going to be all smooth sailing, but I'm pretty sure you guys have figured that out by now ;-)<strong>_

**_I'm really proud as to how this chapter turned out and I'd love to hear your thoughts as well. If it's not too much trouble I would kindly ask you to review as well as favorite/follow this story. It's great knowing the story is getting so much attention with follows and favorites but it's a whole different kind of motivation when I actually HEAR (well, read) what you guys think of it._**

_**See you all here next week? Same site, different chapter.**_

_**XoXo**_


	8. Chapter 8

**First off I'd like to apologize for not updating on time. But once again things where out of my hands. My laptop crashed for the second time in two weeks and this time there was absolutely nothing they could do to fix it. Which meant that I had to buy a new laptop and re-write the chapter from scratch and that takes time. Especially this chapter (You'll find out why at the A/N at the end) Anyway, here it is. Only a day late, so I still think I managed to do quite okay. Hopefully you guys still stick with me through the rest of this story. **

**Enjoy!**

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><p>Kensi's 28 weeks pregnant when the world comes crashing down around her, quite literally.<p>

She had been enjoying her day off ,going for some well deserved retail therapy with Nell, and things couldn't have been going any better. Or so Kensi thought. When they finally settled down in a quiet cafe, feet aching, stomach growling, she relaxes and puts a hand on her ever growing stomach. With a frown she realizes that she hasn't felt the baby kick today, not once. She doesn't want to worry about it too much, since she's been busy for most of the day. It's not like it hadn't happened before either. There had been a couple instances in the previous weeks where she didn't feel any movement during the day but as soon as she settled down and relaxed the baby would start kicking up a storm, making up for lost time. Maybe this was one of those times. Her midwife told her it was normal with a first child. Somehow, in the back of her mind, Kensi felt this time was different.

Looking at Nell, who is standing in line for their hot cocoas, she makes a mental note to pay a little more attention to it for the rest of the day.

When she comes home that night, after still not having felt any movement, she's quick to grab her laptop and Google 'what does it mean when I don't feel my baby kick?'There where a couple of websites that gave her tips on how to get the baby to move and she tried them all. She ate chocolate, _lots _of chocolate, she pushed the baby around with her hands, she even started doing weird exercises but nothing seemed to work. The more time passed, the more nervous she got. Deep down she knows this is wrong, that it's not supposed to be _this _long before she feels _any _movement, and that there's quite possibly something wrong.

But, she also hears the voices of her friends _"Worrying about this now THAT'S not good for the baby", _her mother,_" You didn't even start moving at ALL before 30 weeks_" and the voice of her midwife _"It's perfectly normal to not feel the baby all the time" _in the back of her mind. So, she tries to push the awful thoughts out of her head and wills herself to relax.

* * *

><p>When Deeks finally comes home a little after 9 PM she's on the couch with a giant tub of rocky road, watching reruns of 'hoarders' on TLC, trying everything in her power to not focus on the ever growing unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach.<p>

_"Hi babe, everything okay?"_ he asks, kissing her soundly on the lips. His hands find their way to her stomach _"How's the little nugget?"_

Kensi sighs, no, everything is _not _okay, she can feel it. _"Good"_ she says instead.  
><em>"We're both good"<em>

Deeks raises an eyebrow _"And now tell me how you REALLY are" _he says, seeing right through her.

There's not much she can do or say that won't make him equally as worried, if not more, and she doesn't want that. She wants Deeks to be able to enjoy this pregnancy. To have the joy of becoming a father more than having to worry about all the things a pregnancy does to a woman. _"It's just been one of those days you know" _she offers _"I haven't felt peanut kick in a little while". _She knows that's an understatement, because if she was completely honest she hadn't felt any movement in over twenty four hours. The last kick being somewhere around yesterday afternoon.

_"Maybe its just enjoying a well deserved nap. Baby's sleep a lot you know. Or at least that's what I've read, and maybe its just really soothing inside mom's belly" _Deeks says, quietly placing a hand on her stomach. He gives her a kiss on the cheek _"I'm sure peanut will be keeping you awake in no time, so enjoy it while you can"_

She knows he's just trying to make her feel better, but the more he talks, the more anxious she gets. That stupid feeling in the pit of her stomach just won't go away _"Yeah, you're probably right," _Kensi sighs before settling her head against his shoulder _"I should get some rest too" _she says. It wouldn't hurt to just close her eyes for a little while.

* * *

><p>It's dark when she eventually wakes, feeling something beside her stir. She blinks a couple times, adjusting her eyes to the dark. When she regains full consciousness she realizes she's on the couch and she had fallen asleep in Deeks' arms. Turning her head around slowly she focuses her eyes on the clock. 3.35 AM. Looking back at Deeks she can see him sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware of the ever growing turmoil that had formed itself as a dark cloud in her mind. Taking a couple breaths to slow her raging heart she oh so slowly wiggles herself out of his embrace and stands up. Tiptoeing into the bathroom she settles herself inside the empty cold ceramic bathtub.<p>

Hours seem to pass with her sitting there. Her hands on her belly, trying to coax _any _kind of movement out of the little peanut. But still, nothing comes. She's into her third round of weird exercises when reality catches up with her and she finally realizes what she's doing. Something inside her seem to click and she can't stop the giant scream and sob that escape her throat, not long after that the tears come.

Deeks startles awake from an unbearable sound what seems to be coming from inside the house and is on his feet within seconds. He looks around the room a little disoriented but quickly realizes Kensi isn't beside him and the sound is coming from the bathroom . He runs as fast as his feet will take him. Without any warning or hesitation he kicks open the door. The sight before him not only startles him, it frightens him, and he knows, without her even having to talk, there's something _terribly _wrong.

She's not sure what happens next. In a split second she feels strong arms pull her up and in the back of her mind she seems to be hearing a voice _"What's wrong Kens, tell me what's wrong"_. Listening to the voice more clearly she understands it's Deeks _"Are you in pain?" _she hears him ask. Unable to speak she just shakes her head, letting him know that no, she's not in any pain, not physically anyway.

"_Did you fall?"_ Deeks asks, looking everywhere for bruises or signs of discomfort. All Kensi seems to be able to do is shake her head.

She didn't fall. She's in no pain. That's good. Right? Deeks thinks. Then why is she still crying? And where did that terrible sound come from?

"_Tell me what's wrong Kensi. Do I need to call a doctor?"_ Deeks shakes his head _"No, I'm GOING to call the doctor" _he corrects himself , hurriedly pulling his cell phone from his pocket, dialing 911.

As much as she tries to, she can't seem to follow the conversation going on between Deeks and the person on the other end of the line. So, when he hangs up the phone, she does the only thing she knows to do _"Deeks" _she brokenly whispers.

"_The midwife is going to be here shortly" _Deeks answers, pulling her into a tight embrace _"It's okay, you're okay" _he says.

Kensi can hear the uncertainty in his voice and that scares her more than anything. She cries a little harder. She might be okay, but she's pretty sure the baby she's carrying is NOT.

* * *

><p>Things quickly take a turn for the worse when the midwife comes and can't find a heartbeat. The woman is calm, eerily calm, but friendly enough trying to reassure them that it doesn't have to mean there's something wrong but Kensi knows better than that. The midwife proposes to ride to the clinic where they can do a extensive ultrasound to put their minds at ease. Still unable to speak it's Deeks who agrees and quietly figures out the logistics while sneaking a peek at Kensi every two seconds.<p>

She's trying her hardest to stay calm, to regulate her breathing, but she can almost _feel _the panic attack that's bubbling to the surface. This was everything she worried about when she found out she was pregnant. She had hoped that as long as she did everything according to the books, nothing would go wrong, that God would see that she could learn to be a good mother, even though she never wanted to be one for the longest time. Apparently she was wrong.

The ride to the clinic is rooted in silence. Kensi's mind is running a mile a minute, unable to process everything that's happening. Deeks is driving, and he's trying his best to not panic himself, Kensi's hand tightly gripped in his, resting on the console.

_"Deeks" _Kensi suddenly says, red rimmed eyes locked on his _"I'm scared" _

Deeks has half a mind to pull the car to the side of the road before locking his eyes with her. He takes both of their hands and places them on her stomach _"I am too" _he admits, unable to hide the pain in his voice _"I don't know what's going to happen Kens"_

_"Can you please just drive? The sooner we find out the better" _she says, rubbing their hands over her stomach.

Deeks doesn't say anything, just nods, and puts the car in drive. He takes a deep breath, he wish he knew what to say or do but this is not something they both prepared for. This was not what he anticipated when he woke up this morning and kissed his girlfriend and unborn baby goodbye. This was not something he _could've _prepared for he realizes. Closing his eyes for a second he quietly prays to God to keep their baby safe, but somehow he feels that his prayers come to late.

* * *

><p>Deeks parks the car as close to the clinic as he can and quickly helps Kensi out of the car. The midwife is already waiting for them and gives both Kensi and Deeks a reassuring pat on the shoulder. Kensi wants to shrug away the hand but she decides against it. It feels warm, nice, comforting. Something she definitely needs right now.<p>

They walk into the room silently and Kensi climbs up the chair before settling down carefully. The midwife, which she now just registered, is called Astrid, sprinkles some gel on her stomach and flips on the machine. The first thing Kensi sees is a beautiful looking baby lying in fetal position. If she didn't know any better it looked like she was peacefully asleep. But, the frown on Astrid's face tells her it's anything _but _a sleeping baby. She knows, even before the words are spoken, they lost the baby and suddenly all the pain, tears and fear she had been holding in come crashing down like a tidal wave.

Deeks is beside her within seconds, nestling his face in the crook of her shoulder. She can feel the tears streaming down his face and she can hear his strangled sobs but she can't say anything, can't _do _anything, she's too lost in her own pain. It literally feels like she's lost a part of herself and that her heart has been ripped in two.

_"I'm so sorry" _Astrid says, quietly placing her hands on Kensi. This was not what she intended to happen when she asked if they could come to the clinic. Even Astrid thought it was going to be fine. She was just going to give an ultrasound, show the baby's heartbeat and then send the reassured pair home. Now, she had to deliver the news that would send their lives into a tailspin.

_"What now?" _Deeks sniffles, kissing Kensi lightly on her head before turning towards Astrid. He knows this is only just the beginning of a whirlwind of emotions

_"There are two options" _Astrid explains, and Kensi turns her head showing she's listening. "_You can go home, process everything that has happened these past hours. Maybe even talk to some people and then come back tomorrow or the day after that, or whenever it feels right for you, to terminate the pregnancy" _Kensi grabs a hold of Deeks' hand for support and he squeezes it lightly _"Or, I call the hospital and you pack a couple things and go straight away. They'll give you medication to induce labor and the baby will be born relatively quickly" _

Kensi searches Deeks' face for support. She knows this isn't her decision to make. Not _only _hers anyway. But, if she's being completely honest she knows exactly what she wants, and needs, to do right now.

Deeks gives her a watery smile, unable to hide the pain he feels. He can't believe this is happening to them, that this is a decision they're are going to have to make. He's not sure he can. _"What do you want to do?" _he asks. It's Kensi who's been carrying the baby and she's the one who is dealing with the fact that the baby inside her belly isn't alive anymore. He doesn't feel he has any right to make the decision for her.

A strangled sob leaves her mouth _"I want this baby out of me," _she sniffles _"NOW" _

Astrid looks from Kensi to Deeks who quietly nods. He's not going to argue with that. Astrid turns on her heels, leaving her alone in the room. Deeks looks around, the room is dark, lifeless. Pretty much exactly how he feels right now.

_"Deeks" _Kensi whispers brokenly _"I'm sorry" _

If his heart wasn't breaking before it sure is now. The woman in front of him is a shell of the strong, confident person he knows. There's no light in her eyes, and the radiating pregnancy glow has been replaced with a dark grey cloud. He'll never understand how that works.

_"Don't Kens" _he says, grabbing her hand when she slides from the chair _"It's not your fault" _

More silent tears run down her cheeks before she gets pulled into his broad chest. She nuzzles herself into him as tightly as she can. If he only knew, she thought.  
>If she just had said something sooner, if she had just listened to her inner voice, to her intuition, maybe they wouldn't be in this situation. It's <em>all <em>her fault.

Deeks quietly looks towards the clock. 6.45 AM. It's morning, he deduces. Six hours ago he had fallen asleep with not a care on his mind and in the span of three hours their lives had been turned upside down. How was that fair? What did they do to deserve this? What did _she _do to deserve this?

_"The hospital is expecting you within two hours," _Astrid says, walking back into the room quietly _"are you okay to drive?" _she asks, eyes focused on Deeks.  
>He nods solemnly, giving her a hand in quiet thanks.<p>

_"Good luck" _she hears Astrid say, before the door is closed behind them.

Kensi looks up at the sky, towards the sun that's slowly setting, and tries to smile through her tears. That's going to be your new home now, she thinks before putting two hands on her belly. Closing her eyes, she takes a deep breath. Finding her strength, she nods to herself. Let's get this over with.

* * *

><p><strong>This chapter was hard to write because it's something I had to go through myself at the end of '13. I incorporated my own personal experience of loss into this chapter and I hope it translated. I'm actually quite proud of this chapter, it being something I have been going back and forth with since before beginning this story. As soon as this story started to root I knew this was where I wanted to share my personal experience.<strong>

**Next chapter is dealing with the birth & fall out of everything that happened in this chapter. **

**It would mean a whole lot to me if you could review this chapter. **

**See you all next week**


	9. Chapter 9

**I'm actually quite blown away by the amazing reviews and PM's I've gotten last chapter. It was hard for me to make the choice to incorporate some of my own personal experience into this story but I'm glad I did. Like I said, it worked therapeutic. So did this chapter. I'm not ashamed to say I've written through my tears these last two chapters but that's okay. Tears aren't a sign of weakness.  
>And, on the same note, did anyone watch the latest Grey's episode? Like seriously, it should have come with a trigger warning because I seriously thought I couldn't cry anymore, but I did. Well, it can't even be described as crying, it was heart wrenching, breathtaking, ugly sobbing. It hit so close to home, and to have all those feelings that I thought I dealt with come back up, that was hard. But, they also did it so extremely beautiful. Jesse and Sarah captured the emotions so extremely beautiful that even if you didn't experience something similar you'd still feel all of their pain and heartbreak. <strong>

**Well, enough of an A/N before hand. Without further ado I give you chapter 9.  
><strong>

**Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother<br>She'll know I'm safe with you, when she stands under my colors  
>Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no<br>Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby  
>The sharp knife of a short life<br>****- The band Perry/ If I die young**

Life teaches you hardships so you can learn to overcome them.  
>Life throws you in the deep end to find out how good you can swim.<br>Life shows you how strong you are when being strong is the only choice you've got.

All if this is proven to be ironically accurate for Kensi and Deeks right now.

Here she was, lying in a cold white hospital bed, duped up on meds, trying to get her body to work with her in getting out the baby inside of her belly. The baby that, no matter how much she wants it, won't come out alive.

They had given her the first pill to induce labor about two hours ago and nothing was happening yet. Lying in this bed, thinking about all the different ways their lives could have turned out made her anxious _"I need to get out of here" _she breathed.

Deeks tore his eyes away from the show he was absentmindedly watching. Well, he hadn't actually been watching anything other than moving images for the better part of the past two hours, trying to keep his mind from going places he wasn't sure he could come back from. _"I'm not sure they'll let you go babe" _

She chuckles sarcastically, off course he would think she meant get out of the hospital. _"I meant out of this bed genius" _she barks a little more venomous than she intended. The minute she sees his eyes cloud over in pain she feels guilty.

Before she gets to correct the mistake and say she's sorry he's already halfway towards the door _"I'll see what I can do" _he whispers, before disappearing into the hallway, head hung low.

Letting out a strangled breath she internally berates herself for being so harsh. She doesn't know how she's supposed to deal with this, what she's supposed to feel, or what is expected of her. But, she needs to realize, neither does Deeks.

He comes back ten minutes later, rolling in a wheelchair _"They said you could get out of bed, but only in this wheelchair" _he says, eyes focused on anything other than Kensi.

Are they serious right now? They expect her to get into a wheelchair and let Deeks wheel her through the hospital _"Are you freaking kidding me right now? What do they think is going to happen? That I'll walk this baby to death? Oh wait, it already IS dead" _she spits venomously, swinging her feet to the side of the bed.

Deeks recoils, not knowing what to do about Kensi's anger. He didn't know what he'd expect her to feel, but anger wasn't something he was prepared for. Tears, that's what he expected, lots and lots of tears. Like the ones that have been accumulating in his eyes for hours now. But, he refuses to let them fall. Not when she's the one being so strong. He wants to be mad, he wants to be able to scream, shout and just punch _something _but all he feels is a deep soulful sadness that is threatening to eat him alive. _"Okay" _is al he says, pushing the wheelchair to the side.

He quietly holds out his hand and she accepts it hesitantly. _"Thank you" _she manages to choke out, all too aware of her anger outburst not a minute earlier. She knows she's going to have to try and rein it in. She's not the only one grieving.

Deeks hates that the situation reduced them to this. Him, unable to look at her, wisely keeping his mouth shut most of the time, not wanting to say anything that would set her off. Her, angered by every little thing that seems to come her way, not even recognizing herself most of the time.

* * *

><p>Three hours, they've been in the hospital for <em>three <em>freaking hours and nothing is happening. She's been walking, slowly, through the halls, with Deeks by her side. Somehow he had managed to have the OBGYN sign off on not using the wheelchair and she's thankful for that. Maybe walking will help her get her body to do something, _anything _at this point. It feels like the universe is trying to punish her some more by keeping this baby inside her for as long as humanly possible. Like, if it stays in longer, it will magically come back to life and they'll tell her it was all just a horrible mistake. Yeah right, as if that's ever going to happen. The baby is dead, and it's going to stay dead. Why on earth won't her body cooperate in getting it out of her? She wants this baby, this _thing _out of her and she wants it out _now_.

"_Do you want to go back to your room?" _Deeks asks, when she decides to take a break.

She leans her arms over the banister that overlooks the entire downstairs of the hospital, quietly watching the people walking in and out. For a minute she wishes she was the little old lady she sees walking on crutches, being supported by what seemed to be her husband. That little old lady didn't have a dead baby inside of her belly that refuses to come out. That little old lady smiles at her husband with an easiness and love that makes her stomach turn. She wonders if she'll ever be able to smile that way again. If she'll ever be able to look at Deeks in a way that won't make her think of all the things she denied him by letting the baby inside of her die. A shot of pain hurls through her and she has to clutch her stomach to try and breathe through it.

Deeks watches her quietly from the side. Her face has been permanently etched in a mix of pain and anger ever since they found out the faith of their baby and for a minute he wishes he knew what she was thinking. She won't talk to him, so he has no idea on how to help her, how to be there for her. He's doing the best he can and he can only hope it's enough.

Taking Deeks' hand for comfort she feels another shot of pain course through her and somehow she knows that her mind and body _finally _caught up with each other. _"It's time" _she whispers solemnly, focusing her eyes on Deeks.

* * *

><p>2 hours, 28 minutes and 47 seconds later there's a tiny bundle of white being held up by the OBGYN.<p>

"_Do you want to hold her?" _

Kensi's eyes shoot from Deeks to the OBGYN, shaking her head vigorously _"No," _she said resolute. There's nothing to hold. The baby she's looking at is just a bag of bones to her. It means nothing. Her soul has already left her body and if it's up to her they can take that _thing _away as soon as possible _"but you can if you want to" _she says, pointing her head towards Deeks.

Deeks quietly nods, holding out his arms to cradle the tiniest thing he had ever seen. She's white, wrinkly and cold. She looks like a sleeping baby, but he knows she's not. There's no cry, there's no moving of limbs and her chest is staying flat, showing the harsh truth that she's not breathing _"It's a girl," _he whispers, not taking his eyes away from his daughter _"are you sure you don't want to hold her?"_

Kensi sighs _"I said NO Deeks" _she tries to keep the venom out of her voice, knowing it'll only hurt him. But, she wants them to take the baby, that _thing _out of the room right now. She wants to be alone, close her eyes and sleep. Sleep, and dream of a better world in which the little girl that she just gave birth too is alive and lying in her arms contently.

"_I think you should just take her" _Deeks says, picking up on Kensi's discomfort, handing the baby to the nurse. He knows they won't take the baby to the morgue just yet. He asked a little while ago. They made room for her in the room next door. Placing her in the beautiful tiny basket and blanket they picked out when they came here he carefully places a kiss on the baby's forehead.

The OBGYN takes the basket from him _"What's her name?" _she asks, name card in hand.

Kensi lifts her eyebrows _"Does it matter? She's dead" _she says.

Deeks lets out a strangled sob _"Kensi" _he warns. He doesn't want to get mad at her but his patience is wearing thin. She's making it seem like they're handing over a kitten to its new owner.

Sighing once again Kensi fixes her eyes on Deeks. Without having to say anything she knows they need to give the baby a name. It's mandatory after 26 weeks, and if she's being honest she knows she can't keep revering to it as 'the thing' or 'the baby that didn't make it'. She might not have gotten to know her baby outside the womb but that didn't mean she didn't love her. _"Kaylee" _she breathes, looking at Deeks for conformation.

The only thing he can do upon hearing her utter the name is nod solemnly. He thinks back to the conversation they had just only a week prior to this nightmare. After 3 months of bickering they had finally agreed on a name for a girl or a boy. They had early on in the pregnancy come to the conclusion that they didn't want to know the baby's sex before it was born. And now that they know it was a girl, Kaylee was the only logical name for the beautiful baby that wasn't meant to live.

"_Kaylee" _he whispers silently, before watching the nurses wheel the baby out of the room.

He settles himself down on the spare bed that has been set up for him before turning his attention back to Kensi _"Are you okay?" _he asks timidly.

"_Please don't ask me that," _she says brokenly, her tough exterior crumbling before his eyes _"I don't know how I'm supposed to answer that. I'm not okay. OBVIOUSLY. I just lost my baby. WE just lost our baby" _

Deeks swallows _"right" _he says, fidgeting with the ends of his blanket nervously. What is he supposed to do now? What is he supposed to say? He doesn't know what to do and it's killing him. _"I don't know how to do this" _he quietly admits, casting his eyes down, sighing heavily.

"_I don't either Deeks," _Kensi admits, rubbing her eyes tiredly _"can you please just ask if I could rest a bit?" _

Nodding his head in confirmation he suddenly feels his body tense when he realizes he's going to spend the night in a hospital. He hates hospitals, always has, and right now it dawns on him that he's been inside of one for over eight whole hours. He pushes the nervous anxious feeling aside, he needs to be here, he needs to stay, for Kensi.

Ten minutes later there are three nurses and an OBGYN beside her bed, prodding and forcing her to talk _"Miss Blye, I need you to tell me how you're feeling" _one of the nurses, Nicky, asks her.

Shaking her head she bitterly spits _"I don't KNOW how I'm feeling. I'm TIRED as HELL and I NEED to sleep. Can I PLEASE just go to sleep?" _

The nurse has the nerve to look a little hurt, but Kensi doesn't care. It's not like she has never been in this situation before, right? Kensi's pretty sure she's not the only woman to have delivered a stillborn baby. She can't help this little streak of hostility that keeps forcing its way to the surface.

"_You can sleep now Miss Blye" _one of the other nurses, Mary, says after having consulted with the rest of the team. Deeks walks the nurses back out of the room, quietly conversing but she's too tired to care what they're talking about.

She doesn't even acknowledge Deeks when he comes back into the room whispering a quiet _'goodnight Kens'_. She just turns her head, pulls the covers over her a little more and _finally_ closes her eyes. Maybe, just maybe, when she wakes up tomorrow the world will be a little less painful.  
>Somehow she doubts it.<p>

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><p><strong>AN I don't have much to add right now. I just want to point out that everyone grieves differently and not everyone is going to be able to find themselves in the way Kensi (or maybe even Deeks) handles certain things. I just need you guys to realize there's no guideline for grief. There's no right or wrong way to deal with loss. You do it the way you see fit, the only way you know you'll get one foot in front of the other, seeing another morning. **

**It might not look that way now but I promise this story is far from over and there are going to be good times ahead for our beloved couple. Just because they lost their baby doesn't mean their whole life is over. It might just feel this way for both of them right now, and that's okay. But it's always darkest before the dawn & there's ALWAYS sunshine after the rain. Remember that going forward.**

**I would love for you guys to review this chapter, it means a lot to me to hear your thoughts.**

**Till next time**

**XoXo**


	10. Chapter 10

**You know it's Sunday when there's another chapter of LOF waiting for you. Thanks again for all of the lovely Pm's, follows, favorites and replies. I'm blown away by the beautiful words you put my way. Okay, let's get into it. This one was a little let tissue heavy, but still hard to write. **

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><p><strong>Grief is like the ocean<br>It comes on waves ebbing and flowing  
>Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming<br>All we can do is learn to swim  
>- Vicki Harrison <strong>

Their life actually feels like a roller coaster most days. She can feel perfectly normal, okay, one minute, but the next minute the memories hit her like a tidal wave and her whole world comes crashing down around her _again_. Deeks doesn't know how to help her. He pleads her to talk, to tell him how she feels. She would if she could. But she doesn't _know _how she feels. She doesn't actually think she feels anything, she's numb. Most days she has the utmost difficulty simply getting out of bed, opening her eyes, and putting one foot in front of the other. Deeks has retreated into himself, a shell from the bubbly fun person she knows he is deep inside, and she hates that she's the reason. _She _did this to them, _she's _the one who didn't have a body that was able to keep a baby alive.

The doctors in the hospital did an autopsy on Kaylee and they concluded there was nothing wrong with her physically. Her organs were strong, her bones whole. By all means Kaylee would have become a healthy baby, _if _Kensi would only have managed to keep her alive inside a little longer. She feels deep down like everything is her fault, she was supposed to be the biggest protector of that little live growing inside of her and she failed to do that, she failed Kaylee.  
>Deeks keeps telling her that he doesn't blame her, that there's nothing they could have done that would've guaranteed a different outcome. She wants to scream, shout and even slap him. She wants to yell that it's<em> all<em> her fault that _she _failed their baby and he should just leave and find a woman who is capable of giving him what he wants. Instead, she stays quiet. Feeling like there's no fight left in her. She just silently nods, let his arms envelope her, his warmth and love the only reason she hasn't completely given up.

* * *

><p>After a couple weeks Deeks tells her he wants to go back to work. She knows it's not because they really need him back; that they can't handle things without them, it's that <em>he<em> needs to be back. Sitting at home, thinking about what could've been, is breaking his heart. Watching her becoming a shell of the strong woman he fell in love with nearly kills him. He pleads with her to fight, for them, for herself, for _anything _really. Somehow she can't seem to find the strength within her to do so. It's not that she doesn't _want _to fight, she just doesn't know _how_. But, that doesn't mean she doesn't want Deeks to fight, she _needs _him to fight, it's the only thing that's keeping her sane. It's the only way she knows she'll might be able to come out of this alive. She wants him to put the pieces back together, to get back on track. He deserves as much. She simply wishes she knew how to do that. How to _move on _from this. Right now, she's not sure she'll ever be able to.

* * *

><p>She has her first real panic attack a month later. She can actually <em>see <em>the walls closing in on her, her breath becomes labored, things become blurry pretty quickly and before she knows it things go black. She regains consciousness a little while later, shaking and covered in sweat. Just when she thinks the worst is behind her she actually hears a baby cry from the back of the house. Her feet carry her to the nursery in an instant and her hand is already on the doorknob when she realizes there is no baby behind it. That the scream she heard just now _wasn't _real. She pulls her hand from the knob like it just burned her and she quickly takes two steps back, putting a hand over her raging heart "_What the hell are you doing Kensi" _she quietly mutters to herself. She glances back to the door, wondering what she would find behind it. She hadn't been inside of it ever since they came home without Kaylee, but she had seen Deeks walk in and out of it a couple times over the past month. Before she can talk herself out of it she takes the two determined steps to the door, takes a deep breath and opens it. She claps a hand in front of her mouth and silent tears run over her face upon the sight. The room is _exactly _how they had set it up; all the way down to the big teddy bear her mother had bought them just before everything went to hell. She wants to cross the threshold, but somehow her feet are rooted in place. Quietly closing the door behind her, she leans against it and tries to regain composure. She's going to have to talk to Deeks about it, it's not like they can keep it like that forever. That would be morbid. Shaking her head she knows that she needs to get out of the house before she really does go insane.

* * *

><p>Deeks has been on desk duty ever since he came back to work. Hetty had told him, in her 'you-can-disagree-but-it-won't-change-anything' voice, that they don't trust him out in the field yet. He had simply tuned out the rest of the conversation but picked up on something about him being too emotionally scarred. <em>Too emotionally scarred, <em>what does that even mean?

Are they planning on having him do paperwork for the rest of his career? Because if so he'll rather find another job. Why can't they understand that he is going to recover from this a lot faster if they'll just let him out, into the field, doing what he does best?

Today's a quiet day with not a lot of paperwork so he's been playing backgammon on his computer for about an hour when he hears silent gasps coming from the people with him in the bullpen.  
>He quickly turns to the source and his eyes grow large when he sees Kensi walking towards him. He pulls himself up quickly and is beside her in an instant. <em>"What are you doing here?" <em>he asks, trying to hide the irritation in his voice. She's only had a baby a month ago; she's not supposed to be here yet. She promised she wouldn't be back until she was ready and she most definitely isn't ready. Sometimes he wonders if she'll ever be again. If _they _ever will be again.

"_I wanted to see if you could use some help," _she breathes out evenly _"I was literally going stir crazy at home"  
><em>Kensi wonders if she should tell him what happened today, but she quickly decides against it. She doesn't want Deeks worrying about her. He needs to focus on himself, that's what's most important to her now. Making Deeks whole.

"_What's wrong?" _ Deeks asks immediately. He knows her well enough to know there's something wrong. She looks different, more restless than most days. He would even go as far as to say that she's looking pained. Something he hasn't seen much from her in the past.

She should have known that he would figure out something was bothering her. He always prides himself on knowing her better than he knows his last name. And he's not wrong.  
><em>"I think you should break down the baby stuff" <em>

"_What? Why?"_

"_There is no baby, therefore there's no need for a nursery" _she tells him matter-of-factly wringing her hands together for support. She doesn't want to fight about this. Not here. Not now. Not ever. She just wants to forget this ever happened, move on. But, how can she ever try to do that when there's still a complete nursery in their house? When _everything _in their house reminds her of the life she wasn't destined to live.

Deeks sighs deeply _"It's only been a month Kens," _he swallows _"one freaking month". _ He doesn't understand how she can be so businesslike about this. How she can just set aside all of her emotions and be _rational _in a time like this. Nothing about this situation is rational; nothing about it is fine, nothing about it is _normal. _

"_Don't you think I know that?" _Kensi suddenly shouts, surprised by the anger bubbling up inside of her.

Deeks closes his eyes briefly, taking a couple short breathes to keep himself calm _"Kens, I just think now is not the time to do this. ANY of this. It's not the time to remove Kaylee from our lives, it's certainly not the time to break down the nursery and it's most definitely not the time to talk about this here"_

Kensi sighs exasperated _"I need you to take it away. Break it down, sell it, move it to my mom's place, I don't care. Just get it out of the house. I'm tired of walking by her room every single day, feeling like the biggest failure in the world. Our house is supposed to feel safe. Like a home. I don't want it to be about her anymore"_

"_Kaylee," _Deeks whispers _"you can't even say her name" _

She's about to respond venomously when she hears two very familiar voices come towards the bullpen. They're talking about what appears to be their latest case and she plasters the biggest fake smile on her face she can muster. No reason for Sam and Callen to be on the receiving end of the anger that bubbled during her conversation with Deeks just now _"Hi Guys" _she says fake cheerfully.

Both Sam and Callen stop in their tracks, looking from Kensi to Deeks, to each other and then back to her. _"Do you need permission to give me a hug or something?" _she smiles sarcastically and she sees a flicker of something cross Callen's features but it's gone before she can begin to decipher it . She sees Sam share another look with Deeks who simply nods at them stiffly. Apparently they _do _need permission, because it's not until after the nod that both Callen and Sam envelope her in a big hug.

_"Kensi. What are you-"Sam_ cuts himself of, unsure of how to proceed. She can actually see the wheels turning in his head before he continues _"you look-"he_ sighs, clearly frustrated that he doesn't really know what to say _"It's good to see you" _he eventually says. Callen simply nods and envelops her in another tight hug _"really good," _he breathes _"I'm sorry Kens. So sorry" _  
>If she didn't know any better she would've thought she heard him sniffle just now. She looks over his shoulder to Sam who also very discretely tries to wipe away some tears<br>_"Geez Guys, get yourselves together" _she tries to joke, trying to make light of the situation. She can hear Deeks gasp behind her and she doesn't have to turn around to imagine the state of utter shock that's etched on his face right now. _"I think you should go" _she suddenly hears him say and this time she does turn around to fix him with a stern look of her own.

"_You do_ _not__ decided if should stay or go" _she spits out venomously. Feeling every bone in her body react.

Callen places a hand on her shoulder _"I think what Deeks means is-"  
><em>She cuts him off by swatting his hand away _"I know exactly what Deeks means thank you very much". _If she was of clear mind she would have thought twice before snapping at Callen like that but she's not. She doesn't know where all this anger keeps coming from and she _really _doesn't know how to stop it.

"_Kensi" _Sam suddenly chimes in, emotionally eyes fixed on her. _"No. No. No," _she breathes out _"not you too" _

Right now looking at the three men around her with clear emotion etched on their faces she wishes she was just able to feel something _other _than anger. The things she would do if she would just be able to cry. But, there are no tears, there haven't been any ever since they truly said goodbye to their baby. There has only been sheer hot anger that comes bubbling up at the most inopportune times and with the people who least deserve it. She knows that's she directing the anger to the wrong people but, apparently _knowing _something is happening doesn't always mean you can prevent it. _"I'm sorry;" _she eventually says when she feels the anger disappear a little _"I SHOULD go". _Kensi smiles sadly at both Callen and Sam before turning her attention back to Deeks _"I'm sorry," _she repeats, kissing him on the cheek lightly _"I'll see you at home" _

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><p><strong>AN Okay, here's the thing. I know some of you won't like the way Kensi is dealing with this loss. That's okay, you don't have to agree with the way someone grieves, we just need to respect it, right?**

**I will try to explain what my (and Kensi's) frame of mind was while writing this chapter.**  
><strong>Elisabeth Kubler –Ross says there are 5 stages of grief. Denial – anger- bargaining- depression and acceptance. I'm pretty sure we can all agree that Kensi is stuck in her anger stage right now. She's still not ready to face the loss head on, and so she hides behind her anger and lashes out at the people closest to her. She just lost the second most precious thing in her life and she feels like it's all her fault. So she's mad, mad at Deeks for getting her pregnant (I'm not saying it's rational I'm saying it's what she's feeling right now), mad at herself for not being able to keep Kaylee alive but most of all she's mad at the world for letting this happen in the first place.<strong>

**This stage will not last forever. But, I just want you guys to understand that there might be five stages of grief but grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor is there a 'right' or 'wrong' way to do it.**

**And for the people wondering about Deeks, you can expect him dealing with his grief a little more heavily in the next chapter. Next chapter will also have a conversation between Kensi and her mother that's LONG overdue. I promise you'll get to see how the loss will affect _everyone _but I don't want to rush it. I really want to do this story line justice because it's just so extremely personal for me. Right now it has just been easier for me to get into Kensi's head because I can relate to her on such a personal level with this, but that doesn't mean I forgot about the other characters.**  
><strong>Last thing I want you guys to know is that I'm not going to drag out this whole grieving story line. Like I said, I just want to do it justice and I need to find a 'right' way (or what feels like a right way for me anyway) to weave this into the future of the story.<strong>

**Don't forget to review, I love hearing from you guys.**

**Until next time!**


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